painful memories 40-75

Part 40
Mac gingerly removed her shirt and wrapped the sheet
around her. She felt her hands tremble but knew that
this time it was with fear of what the doctor would
tell her. The thoughts of going to the psychiatrist
after this scared her to death. What if he confirmed
that she was losing her mind, not just having
reactions to the drug? The voices inside her head
were louder and if anything more demanding then they
had been previously. Guilt ate at her consciousness.
What her friends were going through. Harm had been
her rock during the last couple of weeks. What would
she do when he went back to his own apartment? God
knew he needed to be at JAG. Without her there, they
would already be shorthanded. A knock on the door
interrupted her thoughts.
"Enter." She called out.
"Colonel Mackenzie, I'm coming in now." The doctor
announced, waited a couple of minutes and then pushed
the door open. Mac smiled at the hesitant way he
entered.
"Call me Mac." She said and he smiled gratefully. He
found her facing away from him.
"All right Mac, it's a pleasure to meet you. Now I'm
going to probe the wounds on your back to make sure no
infection has developed." He explained and gently
began feeling the area around the cuts. Mac bit back
a moan when he touched the largest of them. "These
are healing very slowly. Did Dr. Simmons give you any
idea why?"
"Salt."
"Excuse me?"
"The man who did this to me crushed salt into each of
the cuts as deeply as he could." She matter-of-factly
answered. "He said that the alkaline of the salt
caused some internal damage to the surrounding skin
and that it would be awhile for it to recover."
"Damn that must have hurt like hell." He muttered
before he could catch himself. "Sorry."
"It's okay. I survived it." Mac answered.
"Well other then the slow healing, there is no
infection. Let me check your hands." As she turned
to face him fully with only a sheet wrapped around her
chest, he saw the multitude of bruises that covered
her chest and throat. Her left eye was still slightly
swollen and a bruise still darkened her right temple.
He looked at the battered woman sitting before him and
remembered the strong Marine who had quickly put him
in his place. Mac saw the myriad of emotions race
across his face.
"My hands, Dr. Patterson." She reminded him gently.
"Of course, sorry." He examined them carefully. "The
cast will need to stay on for two more weeks but you
can remove the bandage on the other hand. Just keep
it clean." He removed the bandage from her shoulder.
"This is healing nicely. Now Dr. Simmons recommended
a series of tests and I concur. We will do a MRI and
a toxicology screen."
"Okay." She replied gazing at her hands.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, could we just get this done." Mac stared
determinedly into his eyes.
"Okay, let me get everything set up. Would you like
me to send your friends in to wait with you?"
"No!" She replied loudly. "Sorry."
"It's all right, I'll be back to get you in about
twenty minutes. Go ahead and get dressed." He
answered and left.
"Damn it, not now." She muttered as images raced
before her.
"Commander, Admiral." The doctor called as he entered
the waiting room.
"Right here, doctor. How's Mac?"
"She's doing fine Commander. I just wanted to let you
know that we are moving her over to the x-ray
department for an MRI. She should be done in about an
hour, if you would like to go get something to eat."
"Thank you, Doctor. We will stay here." The Admiral
said firmly.
"I'll keep you apprised of what is going on." He
again left the men to wait.
Mac was lost in a swirl of memories. Harm walking
away from her. 'What does love have to do with
anything?' Tears streamed down her face. Chloe
leaving. Her mother leaving. She mumbled.
"Don't leave. Please don't leave me alone." You
don't deserve to have anyone love you. "Shut up!
Please shut up!" Mac cried trying to silence the
voices. I really am going crazy.
"I should have just left like your slut of a mother!
Why do I even bother with you?! You are so stupid!
How can a child of mine be so stupid? Of course with
your slut of a mother, maybe your not even mine!" The
words stopped with the sound of a fist striking her
jaw. It had happened over fifteen years ago, yet she
felt the pain spread across her jaw.
The trembling slowly stopped. Breathing deeply Mac
tried to control her mind and body. She carefully put
her clothes back on, struggling with her trembling
hands.
"The test is ready Mac." Doctor Patterson informed
her before observing the violent tremors running
through her hands. "Are you okay?"
"I will be." She replied with only the slightest
quiver in her voice.
"You just had an episode, didn't you?" He asked
gently stroking her hand.
"Yes, but I'm okay now." She said firmly.
"Mac, how often are these episodes coming?" He asked.
"I know you've had more then you've told the men out
there."
"Today, I've had two. Yesterday I had four." Eyes
downcast, she told him.
"Okay, from now on complete honesty no matter what.
That is the only way I can help you. I'm going to add
a wider tox screen to see how much of this drug is
still circulating in your system." He explained.
Gazing into her eyes, he brushed away her tears. "It
will be okay, Mac. I will do everything I can to make
this better."
"Thank you." She whispered, not daring to believe
him. "Let's go do the tests."
Part 41
As Mac was slid into the MRI machine, she closed her
eyes weakly. Sleep was as elusive as it always had
been. When she did manage to sleep, it was troubled
and full of nightmares. Mac was simply exhausted.
Between the memories of the past and the actual
physical pain, she felt burned out inside. Her
emotions were all over the place. Tears slid slowly
from the corner of her eyes as the machine slowly
completed its work.
Harm and A.J. sat in the waiting room trying to ignore
what was going on down the hall. A.J.'s cell phone
rang.
"Chegwidden." He answered harshly. "Yes Mr.
Secretary. What do you need, Sir?" A shocked
expression crossed the Admiral's face. "Well, Sir,
she's getting better every day but she does have a way
to go." Silence. "Yes, Sir I will keep you informed.
Goodbye Sir."
"Was that who I think it was?" Harm asked
incredulously.
"It was the SECNAV checking on Mac." A.J. replied
somewhat dazed.
"I thought he loathed the two of us?" Harm asked.
"He normally does. I guess its just you now." A.J.
teased. "He told me to tell Mac she had done a
wonderful job and to take her time getting better."
"Wow."
"Double Wow." A.J. replied.
"How's the office doing with both Mac, you and I being
gone?" Harm asked.
"Surviving. Lt. Roberts and Commander Sturgis are
keeping the cases covered along with Mattoni and
Singer." A.J. informed him. "Now the Gunny, Tiner,
and Harriet are about to lose their collective cool.
I never thought of you and the Colonel as being
calming influences."
"No Sir, I can't say I've ever thought of us that
way." Harm grinned.
"Well, Harm when are you going to make us mean a whole
lot more?"
"Sir?"
"You love her Harm. She loves you. For two military
officers with great distinctions, you are two of the
most scared people I've ever met when it comes to
relationships." A.J. continued seeing Rabb's stunned
expression. "You are a good man and she is a good
woman. You are so connected emotionally that your
relationship is eerie. For God's sake, Rabb she found
you in the middle of an ocean during a horrible storm
from hundreds of miles away. You have saved each
other's lives so often, I think you've stopped
noticing."
"Sir, nothing has happened." Harm tried to explain.
He knew the regulations and what they would mean to
Mac and his careers.
"I know that son, that's why I'm complaining. As far
as JAG goes, I would hate to lose either of you,
however as long as you are both there, one of you will
never get ahead. Let me tell you Harm, right now I
don't know who I would recommend for my position. You
both are excellent lawyers, amazing soldiers, and
solid leaders. But whomever I would choose, the other
would be left below that person. Just know this,
Harm, if you begin a relationship with Mac, I will do
everything in my power to keep you both in
Washington." A.J. finished.
"I don't know what to say, Sir." Harm forced out. "I
care about Mac more then I have ever cared about a
woman not related to me. When I wake up, I wonder
what she is doing. When I go to sleep, I wonder what
she's dreaming. When she's not around I feel
incomplete."
"That's love, Son. Pure love." A.J. replied. "If
you let it pass you will regret it for the rest of
your life. I am not advising you to rush into this.
Mac will need a lot of time and space to recover
emotionally as well as physically. Just think about
it."
"Yes, Sir." Harm replied before drifting off into his
own thoughts.
Examination Room
"Well, Mac. We're done with the tests and from what
you've told me, the recovery is not going as quickly
as we hoped. I have a few more questions. Any lose
of memory?" Dr. Patterson asked.
"A little at first. I usually have the ability to
tell time to the second without looking at a watch.
That was gone at first. It's coming back but I'm
still about seven minutes off. Sometimes I have to
think really hard to remember someone's name or rank.
But that is improving too. As far as lawyer
knowledge, nothing lost so far. I have to admit
though I haven't really tried to remember much of
anything. The episodes bring enough memories." Mac
replied.
"Do your hands tremble only before and after an
episode? What about physical injuries?"
"Sometimes. Usually they are connected to the
episode. Physically I'm doing pretty well. My ribs
still hurt, the bruised kidneys pull occasionally, and
the cuts you've already treated." Mac explained.
"Doctor is there anyway to tell how much longer I will
have these episodes?"
"After speaking to Dr. Simmons, we feel that they may
linger for awhile. Typically they do subside more
quickly. However there is one patient exposed to a
smaller dose then you six months ago and he is still
having them." Seeing the brief flare of panic in her
eyes he quickly continued. "They are much weaker then
before and occur once or twice a week. You are the
first woman given this drug that we have access to
medical records of so we are learning as we go.
Remember Mac, it will get better."
"I don't think I can live with six more months of
these episodes." Mac mumbled under her breath.
"What, Mac?"
"I don't think I have much choice." Mac lied.
"Well go ahead and gather your things. I will have
the tox screen and the MRI results back this evening.
I know you have an appointment with Dr. Hamilton at
four. If you feel like it come by afterwards and I'll
go over the test results. If you are too tired call
me tomorrow and I'll give them to you and we will plan
a course of action."
"Thank you Doctor Patterson, I appreciate it. Would
you tell the Admiral and Commander I'll be right out?"
"Sure."
Mac watched him leave the room and felt the panic that
threatened to knock her down. 'patient episodes six
months' The words kept echoing in her head. Mac knew
she couldn't keep her sanity if she had to keep
reliving the horrible memories of her life. 'I got to
bare my body for this doctor, now I get to have my
soul cut open. She will probably have me committed.'
Mac thought.
Part 42
It was a little after 1800, when A.J., Harm, and Mac
pulled into the parking lot of Mac's apartment
complex. A.J. and Harm exchanged worried looks. Mac
had been silent since they left Dr. Hamilton's office.
Her appointment was at 1600 and had lasted all of 40
minutes before Mac stormed out of the office. Mac
refused any attempts at conversation. They went to
Dr. Patterson's where they found out the test results.
Mac never acknowledged the doctor's statements. She
simply stood by the window in his office and looked
out the window. Dr. Patterson told A.J. and Harm that
the MRI showed a little bit of damage from the drug,
but not enough to worry about. The toxicology test
results, however showed a significant amount of the
drug's residue left in her system. This was probably
the reason for the continuing episodes. After he told
them the results, he gave Mac a number of tasks to
accomplish. They were basic memory skills to test and
make sure that the MRI results were right. He gave
her a different sleeping pill and a different vitamin.
They left his office shortly after, Mac acknowledged
that she had been there with only a slight nod at the
doctor.
Harm and A.J. tried to keep up a banter, hoping to
pull Mac into it. She simply stared out the passenger
window. As they parked, Mac slowly pulled herself out
of the car and without even a glance at them made her
way slowly towards the entrance of her building.
Realizing she didn't have the key, she waited for Rabb
to open the door.
When they reached the apartment, Mac headed straight
for the bathroom. Within minutes the water came on
full blast in the shower. The two men exchanged
glances again before the Admiral pulled out his phone
and called Dr. Hamilton.
"Doctor Hamilton's office." A young friendly voice
said.
"Yes, this Admiral A.J. Chedwiggan. I need to speak
to Dr. Hamilton. ASAP." A.J. said in his commanding
officer voice.
"I'm sorry sir, she's with a client. If you give me
your name again and a number to reach you and she will
call you back after her appointment." The
receptionist took down the Admiral's information.
"Are you a patient or is this about a patient?"
"It's regarding Sarah Mackenzie."
"Okay I will have her call you ASAP." She replied
before disconnecting.
Mac's Bathroom
Mac stood under the stinging spray trying desperately
to block out her mind. Memories of the doctors visit,
and the psychiatrists visit revolved in her head. The
doctor's office had been bad enough, but the
psychiatrist with her endless questions had pushed her
over the edge. She felt her sanity slipping and
knowing that you are sitting in front of someone who
can put you away is terrifying. Dr. Hamilton had been
nice enough just unrelenting in trying to get her to
talk about the episodes. Finally, fifteen minutes
into the session one of the worst episodes she'd had
in days, attacked her. Dr. Hamilton had tried to
touch her, but Mac reacted to what she was seeing in
her head and pushed her across the room onto the
floor. What happened next she couldn't remember, but
when she came back to reality, she found herself
crying in the corner. Dr. Hamilton was sitting
carefully about six feet away from her. Looking at
her Mac saw the bruise beginning to form on her arm
where Mac had pushed her into the table.
"I'm so sorry." Mac said.
"It's all right, I should know better then to touch
you." Dr. Hamilton replied, noting Mac's
unwillingness to meet her eyes. "Sarah, it's okay, we
all go a little crazy sometimes."
Mac heard the word 'crazy' and felt the panic begin
again. If you were crazy they locked you away in a
small room, restrained. A flash of memory: her arms
being bound after the rescue. She was unable to move.
Fear choked her as the thoughts of being captured in
any way took over. Six months of episodes will drive
me completely crazy. Of course maybe they would give
me something to just knock me out where I didn't have
to even know I had one. Suddenly she knew she had to
get out of this office. Another flash of memory:
Murrick pulling her up by her hands to hang from the
ceiling. A gasp escaped her.
"Sarah, tell me what is happening? What are you
seeing Sarah?"
"My name is not Sarah! My name is Mac! Sarah died as
a child! Mac took her place." Mac replied
unconsciously.
"Why did Sarah die?" Dr. Hamilton asked.
"Because she was her mother's daughter. She was evil
and a slut and didn't deserve to live." Mac replied
matter-of-factly.
"Why didn't she deserve to live?"
"I told you she was evil and her daddy deserved
better."
"How did Sarah die?" Dr. Hamilton asked genuinely
concerned now by this conversation.
"Her Daddy killed her." Mac answered without any
emotion.
"How?"
"He killed her spirit. He took his fists and killed
her love, her feelings, her self-confidence...he killed
her soul."
"Where did Mac come from?"
"The ashes." Mac suddenly realized what she was
saying. "Dr Hamilton?"
"Yes, Mac. You're okay. I want to hypnotize you and
see if we can put a stop to these memories." Dr.
Hamilton said. "You've got so much buried. It needs
to be brought out and dealt with not reburied."
Mac turned towards her. She glared at the doctor.
"Are you insane? I will not let you hypnotize me. I
am a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Marine
Corp. Isn't it bad enough that these episodes make me
relive the memories, why should I discuss them?"
"Sarah, it is the only way to ..."
"NO!" Mac yelled. "My name is Mac and I will not
relive anymore of these memories! Do you understand?"
"Calm down, Sa..uh.. Mac. Sit down lets talk some
more." Dr. Hamilton tried to soothe her.
"No, this session is over." Mac stated firmly and
walked out the door. She ignored A.J. and Harm and
rushed out of the office and headed for the car.
They had followed her quickly and they headed for the
apartment.
As the water grew cold, Mac got out and dressed. 'How
could I have been so stupid? I ran out of there like
the hounds of hell were after me. Suck it up Marine.
Life goes on and you not crazy, at least not yet.
Okay Colonel time to put on a bright face and go out
there and make them believe you are fine.' Mac yawned
tiredly and laughed when her stomach grumbled.
'Yeah'll sure you're fine. You haven't slept well in
over seven days and you've ate next to nothing.' She
headed to the living room. Before she entered, A.J.'s
cell rang.
"Chegwidden." Silence. "Yes, Dr. Hamilton thank you
for calling so quickly. I'm calling about Sarah
Mackenzie. She hasn't said a word since she came out
of your office like a bat out of hell." Silence.
"We'll have her there tomorrow at noon. Goodnight
Doctor and thank you again." After disconnecting, he
turned to Harm. "Apparently the session went all
right until Mac lost it."
'Lost it means crazy.' Mac thought.
"Dr. Hamilton wants to see her tomorrow at noon. She
feels it will take many sessions to get Mac to open up
to her. Mac is trying to force all these memories the
drug is bringing up back where they were. The
psychiatrist said that could cause even more problems.
Has she given you any details about the memories?"
A.J. asked.
"Not really. Just bits and pieces but those have been
bad enough." Harm replied.
"I know and if she's trying to bury them they could
tear her apart." A.J. stated concerned.
"When's dinner?" Mac asked loudly as she entered the
room.
Both men gave a sigh of relief that she looked much
better and was talking. "You're hungry?" Harm said
incredulously.
"Yes, Harm. Hungry Marine here." Mac laughed.
"Well, Colonel I think we can take care of that."
A.J. said and picked up the phone. "So what are you
in the mood for?"
"Caller's choice. I'm going to watch a little
television while you guys get dinner." Mac curled up
in the corner of the couch. Flipping on the TV, Mac
switched through the channels.
Harm and A.J. smiled at each other. "Commander, order
the food and I'll get us all something to drink."
A.J. directed and they went to work. Both cast subtle
glances at Mac.
Part 43
A.J. and Harm watched her quietly through the evening
as they sat down to eat dinner and later as they
watched a movie. She appeared calm enough, however
Harm couldn't help but think she was pretending. Mac
had always been determined to support herself and not
count on anyone. She had been alone for so long, he
didn't think she knew how to lean on someone. This
mission made her lean on not only, him, but the
Admiral, Clay, and Keeter. He also knew that it was
only a matter of time before she would demand her
space and God knew how he would be able to give it to
her. He smiled at the picture in front of him. It
was 2030 and Mac sat across from the Admiral staring
at the chessboard in front of her. The determined
fierce Marine look she wore looked so much like the
old Mac. The bruises that still stood out vividly on
her face captured his attention. He realized as he
watched her how close he came to losing her.
"Admiral, I'm tired can we finish this game tomorrow?"
Mac asked.
"Sure, Mac but only if you remember to call me A.J.
until we are back at the office." A.J. replied hiding
his worry.
"Yes Sir, I mean A.J." Mac answered and headed for the
bedroom. She turned back about half way there.
"Night Harm, A.J."
Mac barely closed the bedroom door behind her when the
shakes became too much. She slid to the floor with
her hands over her eyes trying to force the pictures
to stay buried in her head. An image of the base in
Bosnia appeared before her. "No." She moaned. As her
group moved through what was left of a nearby city, a
small girl followed close behind her. She had been
following her around for the last three weeks. Mac
tried to sneak her some food as much as she could.
This day there was an eerie feeling, the group was
tense and worried. Suddenly gunfire erupted around
them. Two men in her group went down.
"Take cover!" She yelled.
Before they could all do as she said two more men went
down. That left Mac and three other men trying to
return fire. They returned fire trying to pin down
the exact location of their enemy. Mac leaned out and
shot in that direction when she was struck in the side
by a bullet.
"Mac!" A child's voice yelled. In horror Mac watched
the little girl run towards her.
"No, get down!" Mac yelled just as the child seemed
to be picked up by an invisible hand and knocked to
the ground. "No!" Standing up Mac emptied her gun
into the enemy. She along with the remaining three
men, finished the threat. Racing towards the little
girl, she kneels down and pulls her to her chest.
Blood soaked the young child's chest. "Why?" Mac
asked, knowing the little girl had grown up in this
Hell and knew how to take cover. "Why did you risk
your life for me?"
The soldiers left from her group radioed for support.
Within minutes, reinforcements arrived. They quickly
loaded the wounded men up for transport back to the
base. A Colonel walks towards a kneeling Mac.
"Major, we need to move. Let's go."
Mac looked at him in shock. "She tried to save me."
"I know, Mac. Come on let's get back to the base
where it is safer." He replied noticing the little
girl's blood covering Mac. "It's not your fault."
"It's not? A little girl died trying to save me."
Mac replied incredulously. Looking around realizing
that they needed to get out of this area, Mac picked
up the child and walked over to the jeep closest to
her. Cradling the girl gently she sat in the front
seat of the vehicle.
After arriving at the base, Mac carried the girl to
the morgue and waited for them to clean her up. Mac
knew where the little girl's mother lived. She would
take the child home and admit her guilt in her death.
The mother did blame her. "You come here carrying my
baby covered in her blood. I told her not to go near
you Americans. You kept encouraging her with treats!
If it wasn't for you Nadia would be alive! It's your
fault! Get out!"
"I'm so sorry." The woman's words struck like blows to
Mac's heart. Tears filled her eyes as she rushed from
the woman's house. The pain from the untreated wound
in her side caught up with her as she reached the
lieutenant waiting for her. She fell to her knees
mumbling "I'm so sorry. So sorry."
Mac rocked back and forth trying to put the images
that ran before her out of her head. Looking down at
her hands, she could still see the little girls blood
from all those years ago. Her side ached in
remembered pain. Her trembling body cried out for
release from its pain. The cries were matched by the
ones in her soul.
Ten minutes passed before Mac could catch her breath
and slow the racing of her heart. She slowly pulled
herself to her feet. Moving to the bed she slid under
the covers and sent a silent prayer for strength in
the coming weeks.
Harm and A.J. sat in the living room watching the end
of the Washington Capitol vs. New Jersey Devils hockey
game. They were glad to see the Caps win.
"Well Harm, I'm going to go home, get some sleep.
I'll pick you both up tomorrow around 1130." A.J.
directed and headed for the door. "After her
appointment tomorrow, we'll come back here and you can
go home for the night. I'll stay with her. Before
you argue, that is an order."
"Yes, Sir. We'll be ready for you." Harm replied and
saw the Admiral out. Harm moved to Mac's bedroom.
She was curled up on the bed, with the cover pulled up
to her chin as if cold. She stirred restlessly in her
sleep. Harm brushed her hair from her eyes. He lay
down gently on the bed and carefully eased her into
his arms. She instantly relaxed against him and
sighed. He held her close and felt at home.
Part 44
Mac sat in Dr. Hamilton's office staring over the
doctor's shoulder at the wall. She felt the battle
inside her between tears and rage. Part of her wanted
to find a dark hole and cry, while the other side
wanted to scream and cause pain to someone else. She
wanted to inflict as much pain on someone else as she
felt.
"Mac. Mac. Mac." Dr. Hamilton tried to get her
attention.
"What!" Mac replied harshly before realizing how loud
she spoke. "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said."
"Mac, I want you to tell me about one of these
episodes you've been having in great detail. What
memories are being brought up as well as your feelings
and reactions to them?" Dr. Hamilton requested trying
to gauge Mac's reaction to it. The disbelief in her
eyes told their own story. "Mac, just take your time
and go slowly."
"No." Mac stated simply.
"You need to talk about what happened to you. Keeping
it bottled up inside will only cause you more pain in
the long run."
"Pain. You know nothing about my pain. A sick son of
a bitch chained me up in a cement room and proceeded
to torture me. To add insult to injury, he gave me a
drug that makes me relive every horrible thing in my
life." Mac replied coldly. "Is that enough detail
for you?"
"No, it's not. Take one episode and describe it in
detail." Dr. Hamilton said firmly. She tried to
ignore the flare of panic that flashed in Mac's eyes.
"Fine." Mac says resigned. She takes a deep breath
and searches her mind for a bad memory that would be
understood. "One involved the death of a high school
friend on graduation night. I was in the car. We were
both plastered. I was injured. Eddie was killed.
That's all."
"But how did you feel during this episode?"
"It hurt."
"Mac." Dr. Hamilton stated.
"What? That is all. It hurt to relive it. I
survived it once and I survived the memories and I
will survive the episodes." Mac firmly replied. "Can
I go now?"
"Mac, you've only been here for thirty minutes. You
know that. Why do you want to leave?" She asked.
"I'm tired of talking about what I'm going through. I
just want to go on with my life. I want to return to
work and only think about the present. I need to move
on." Mac finishes tiredly.
"Okay Mac. Let's call it a day. You have an
appointment scheduled each day for ten o'clock in the
morning until I feel that you are ready to go back to
work." Dr. Hamilton informed her.
Mac looked relieved at being dismissed but that relief
quickly changed to shock at her disclosure. She sadly
replies. "What do you want from me doctor?"
"I just want to help you face your memories Mac and
because of that you can move on the way you want."
She replied. "It's going to be okay Mac."
Mac looks in her eyes closely looking for sincerity.
She stands slowly and heads to the door. "I'll see
you tomorrow, Doctor."
"Mac." Dr. Hamilton says as she reaches the door.
Mac turns back. "Call me Carol."
"All right. Thanks Doctor uh Carol." Mac replies and
walks out.
Dr. Carol Hamilton picks up a small tape recorder and
presses record. "Patient Sarah Mac Mackenzie,
reaction to drug. Patient is burying memories and
emotions trying to maintain an image of invincibility.
Very reluctant to speak about her personal issues.
Only willing to give enough information to get her
released. Scheduled appointments every day for at
least the next two weeks, may have to extend even
longer. Return to full time work not approved at this
time. Revisit her name, Mac vs Sarah. Contact Dr.
Peterson regarding physical recovery." She presses
stop. Carol Hamilton thinks for a few moments before
pressing record again. "Schedule a session with
patient and her family."
Part 45
Mac spent the next week and a half seeing Dr. Hamilton
daily and talking only when required. The episodes
had lightened up some compared to before. She was
down to about three of them a day. Mac could feel the
tension increasing inside her daily. The anger she
had been dealing with internally was threatening to
erupt.
Harm and A.J. had been wonderful during this whole
time, however, today she just wanted to kick them out.
Harm had been fussing over her all day, wanting her
to sit down and rest when all she wanted to do was run
as far and fast as she could. She paced her living
room waiting for something to break the tension. A
knock sounded at the door.
"I'll get it." Harm yelled from the kitchen before
Mac could even move towards the door. He raced into
the room and opened the door for the Admiral.
"Afternoon, Sir."
"Harm." A.J. replied. Seeing Mac standing by the
window he turned his focus on her. "Mac shouldn't you
be resting."
"No! I shouldn't!" Mac yelled feeling the tension
finally reach a boiling point. "I want you both out
of my apartment, Now!"
"What?" Harm asked in shock.
"Mac, you don't mean that." A.J. said reprovingly.
"Yes, Sir. I do!" Mac yelled back. Her nerves were
burning in anger and frustration. "I want you both
out!"
"Mac, we are not leaving you alone here." Harm said
firmly.
"Fine, if you won't leave. I will!" Mac yelled back
and pushed past the shocked Admiral and out the door.
"Mac!" Harm called after her.
"Harm, give her a little while to herself. We have
been smothering her. Let her walk alone. We'll
follow her in a few minutes." A.J. soothed the
worried Commander.
"But, Sir..." Harm trailed off seeing the reasoning
behind the Admiral's words. "We have been a little
overprotective haven't we?"
"Just a little Harm. When was the last time we even
gave her more than five minutes on her own? Mac needs
to assert her independence before she loses her mind."
"You're right but now that we've given her some space
can we follow her now?" Harm replied.
"Sure, but discreetly."
Mac walked briskly down the sidewalk ignoring the pain
in her ribs, back and shoulder. 'God, I wish I could
run. I'd like to run as fast and far as I can.' Mac
thought as the comforting sound of her feet hitting
the pavement pounded in her head.

Painful Memories Part46-75/75
Title: Painful Memories Part 46-75/75
Author: Morgaine
Email: Morgaine235@yahoo.com
Category: Mac/Harm eventually.
Rating: This part PG
Mac faces the demons from her past after a mission.
(Takes place after the break-up of Mic/Mac and
Harm/Renee).
Disclaimer: JAG and it's characters belong to CBS and
Paramount etc. This is for entertainment purposes
only.
Feedback: This is my first mainstream fiction,
feedback would be greatly appreciated.
From Part 45
"But, Sir..." Harm trailed off seeing the reasoning
behind the Admiral's words. "We have been a little
overprotective haven't we?"
"Just a little Harm. When was the last time we even
gave her more than five minutes on her own? Mac needs
to assert her independence before she loses her mind."
"You're right but now that we've given her some space
can we follow her now?" Harm replied.
"Sure, but discreetly."
Mac walked briskly down the sidewalk ignoring the pain
in her ribs, back and shoulder. 'God, I wish I could
run. I'd like to run as fast and far as I can.' Mac
thought as the comforting sound of her feet hitting
the pavement pounded in her head.
Part 46
Mac continued her fast pace until her strength gave
out and she collapsed on a bench. Looking around she
is shocked to find that she made it almost a mile from
her apartment. She waited for the pounding in her
ears to subside. As she caught her breath, she felt
the fall wind blow across her cooling her heated flesh
and calming her racing thoughts. Thinking back over
the scene in her apartment, she felt ashamed and proud
of her behavior. Harm and A.J. had been wonderful and
supportive and God only knows how she would have
survived without them, but at the same time they were
driving her completely up the wall. It felt so good
to be out in the light of day alone. Now if she could
just be released back to work. The Marine in her had
taken a severe blow from Murrick and his drug.
Okay, think Mac how can I get some time alone without
driving off these wonderful friends. Maybe I will
agree to let one of them stay at night, on the
condition that they both go to work during the day.
The episodes were better, less painful. However, the
trembling in her hands was still frequently coming.
Mac took a deep breath and headed back towards the
apartment. From the corner of her eye she saw the
Admiral and Harm slip behind the corner of a building.
So they have to be in protective mode do they? Mac
smiled softly and leisurely made her way down the
street. She stopped occasionally in a store, browsing
for an extended amount of time, before carefully
moving on. As much as she would like to have
continued torturing the men following her, she felt
the tiredness creep over her and knew if she didn't
get back soon she would have to admit defeat. Letting
herself into the apartment with the spare key she kept
hidden she made her way to the bedroom and lay down on
the bed and fell asleep.
Harm and A.J. walked into the apartment ten minutes
later. Harm checked on Mac and smiled upon seeing her
asleep.
"She's sleeping." He informed the Admiral.
"Good. We've got to let her go a little bit. We're
suffocating her with our need to protect her.
Tomorrow you will work a half day, Rabb and let her
have the morning to herself. Make sure your cell
phone is always on and accessible." A.J. ordered.
"But, Sir." Harm started before seeing the look in
his commanding officer's eyes. "Yes, Sir. I
understand."
"Good. Now go on home, I'll stay with her tonight."
He replied in a voice that broke no argument.
"Aye, Sir."
A.J. waited for Harm to leave before picking up the
phone and dialing a number he hated to call.
"Webb."
"Webb, it's Chegwidden, Mac will be on her own at her
apartment in the morning until 1300. I need you to
have someone on the look out in case she decides to go
out. She is feeling much stronger and testing her
boundaries. I just want to make sure she doesn't push
herself too hard." He rushed to explain.
"Okay A.J. I'll have a guard on her in the morning.
One she will never see." Webb replied.
"Thanks." A.J. said quickly and hung up. He hated
dealing with Webb, but for Mac's sake he would deal
with anybody.
Rating: This part PG/NC-17 for VIOLENCE/RAPE
Part 47
The next morning A.J. woke Mac up and told her he was
heading to work and that Harm would be back around
1300. Although surprised, Mac was excited about being
alone in her apartment for the first time in over a
month. She walked him out and watched from the window
as he drove away.
The wave of fear that engulfed her took her breath
away. Gasping for air she carefully sat down on the
couch. Alone. God, how many times when she was being
tortured by Murrick did she wish with everything in
her soul for someone to come and be with her. In the
last few days she had wanted them to leave her alone,
yet now she was terrified as the memories washed over
her.
This time it was her initial capture by Murrick that
tormented her mind. The knowledge that Harm who
always promised to watch her six was off on a carrier,
the Admiral had put up with enough of her failures and
no one would come for her. She had screamed over and
over as he tortured her. The only time she didn't
scream was when he was raping her. She retreated to
the silence in her head as he forced himself deeper
and deeper inside her. The pain from his brutal
invasion was as bad as the torture, however her
emotions would not let her scream out her release.
She remembered feeling so relieved when he pulled away
from him, that she didn't even see or hear the guard
approach until he forced his member into her. The
screams inside her head grew stronger as this larger
man ripped her tender flesh. He slapped her and
demanded she fight him. He had seen her fight so hard
at first, but now all she could do was lay and wait
for it to be over. She moaned softly as she felt him
withdraw from her. Mac curled up trying to make
herself as small as possible. Murrick grabbed her and
again forced himself into her. Seeing the guard rape
her had gotten him ready to go again. Mac passed out
a few minutes later when the pain became too much.
Mac came back to reality when the phone rang. She
unsteadily rose to her feet and picked up the phone.
"Mackenzie" She answered.
"Hey, Mac. It's Harm. How are you doing?" Harm
asked.
"Fine, why are you calling so soon? You just left."
Mac replied before checking her internal clock.
"Mac, its almost 1100, I'll be back there in about two
hours. Are you sure you're okay?" Harm asked
concerned by the far off sound of her voice.
"I'm fine, Harm. Just tired. I think I'll take a
nap. I'll see you in awhile." Mac replied quickly
and hung up. She moved to the window and stared out
to the street below. 'Maybe tomorrow morning when
Harm or A.J. leave, I will go for a ride and drive as
fast and far as I can in a few hours. I know I'll go
to that cliff about two hours out of town and scream
till the screaming stops in my head. I should be back
before Harm or A.J. return.' Mac smiled softly at her
plan and she was too excited to sleep so she moved to
the kitchen. Maybe she could find something to make
into dinner for tonight.
-
The next morning as soon as Harm walked out the door,
Mac slid on her shoes and coat and watched from the
window until he pulled away. Grabbing her purse and
keys she rushed down stairs. Unknown to Mac, a figure
watched silently from across the street as she slid
into the driver's seat. She rolled down all the
windows, turned on the local rock station and pulled
out like a bat out of hell. Her watcher followed her
trying to stay close enough to keep from losing her
but far enough back not to be seen. They winded up
the interstate until she reached the exit that she was
seeking. Pulling quickly onto the two-lane gravel
road, Mac's corvette fishtailed slightly before
straightening out and headed up the mountain. The guy
following held his breath as her car righted itself
and she moved confidently up the hill.
Part 48
The wind rushed through her hair as the music pounded
in her ears. The red corvette continued its climb up
the curvy hill. Mac felt the adrenaline spread
through her system. It felt so good to feel normal
again. The slight tremor in her left hand caught her
eye, well almost normal. Thirty minutes later she
reached the summit of the cliff.
She walked slowly towards the edge feeling the peace
of the view envelope her. Stretched out before her
stood two deep valleys that were lush and green. The
wind carried the sounds of nature surrounding her.
The soft call of the birds flying by. The rustle of
the leaves in the trees. The lack of conversation and
city noise, gave Mac the opportunity to just sit and
think without worrying about meeting Harm or AJ's
expectations. She was tired of trying to be the
gung-ho Marine. Could she let down her guard and cry
for what she had been through and lost. Mac wasn't
sure it was possible for her to recover if she did.
She decided that today she would just enjoy the peace
and listen to the wind blowing past her.
Mac closed her eyes and searched deep inside for that
quiet place to escape. As she slowed her breathing,
the scenery behind her eyes changed from black to the
Arizona desert landscape. She breathed deeply feeling
the hot air fill mind, calming her immediately. She
drifted back thinking of her Uncle Matt and his
unquestioning love and support when he brought her to
Red Rock Mesa. He had held her when the withdrawal
pains doubled her over. He had been stern and hateful
when she needed someone to fight. There were days
when she hated him and even tried to hurt him as much
as she hurt. He had stood by her and kept supporting
her week after week. Mac felt the peace of knowing
his support and love.
She knew that Harm and A.J. both cared for her and
would do everything in their power to keep saving her.
Mac knew the only person who could save her and the
life she had built was herself. She had to get rid of
the anger and fear that lingered in her soul or bury
it so deeply nothing, not even a drug could make them
surface. She took another deep breath and opened her
eyes. Checking her internal clock she cursed quietly
when she realized she had only twenty minutes to get
back to her apartment before Harm.
Jumping into her car and tearing down the road, Mac
failed to see the man quickly get in his vehicle and
follow her home.
Part 49
Mac beat Harm home only to find six messages on the
machine from him and AJ.
1000 Message #1: "Mac, it's Harm. Mac? Well I guess
you're in the bathroom or something, call me as soon
as you get this."
1015 Message #2: "Mac! Mac, answer the phone. Mac,
call me when you get this."
1030 Message #3: "Mac, I know we promised you some
time alone this morning, but I would feel much better
if you would call me back."
1045 Message #4: "Mac, please answer the phone. I
just want to make sure your okay."
1100 Message #3: "Mac! If you are there pick up the
phone! The Admiral is sending me to interview a petty
officer. I will still be home at the same time. Call
me on my cell phone."
1130 Message #4: "Colonel, pick up the phone! If I
don't here from you within thirty minutes I'm sending
the Gunny over. Call me, Colonel, that's an order!"
"Damn." Mac said knowing it was almost noon now. She
quickly picked up the phone and called HQ. "Tiner,
it's Colonel Mackenzie, I need to speak to the
Admiral."
"Yes, Ma'am. Please hold." Tiner quickly replied
before putting her on hold.
"Ma'am I'm transferring you now."
'Thanks." Mac replied and waited for AJ to pick up.
"Mackenzie, where have you been?"
"Sir, I went for a drive. I'm home now and I'm fine.
I'm sorry I worried you and the Commander, I just
needed to get out. When will Rabb be back?"
"He is running late, he called and is tied up with his
interview. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Will you call him and tell him I'm fine
and I think I'll try to get some sleep?" Mac asked
suddenly feeling exhausted.
AJ paused before continuing. "Mac are you sure your
okay?"
"I'm fine, Sir. I just needed to get out. Now I'm
going to bed." Mac said firmly. "Thanks AJ." She
softly hung up the phone. Making her way slowly
across the living room, she turned the lights off and
entered her bedroom.
Laying on the bed, Mac looked at the shade pulled down
in the window. The light peaked around the edges of
the shade. Mac felt like that window: shadowed in
darkness but with an edge of light. Feeling the
trembling begin in her left hand and a light fire run
across her nerves, she braced herself for the coming
memories.
The shade became a movie screen. Her back burned as
she relived Murrick's knife attack. Silent tears slid
down her face as she felt the memories switch to her
childhood and her father's relentless words. The
memories she had kept buried for so long refused to
remain that way. The scene switched again.
"That was different. You were in love."
"And your not?"
"What does love have to do with anything?"
Mac felt Harm's words wash over her, feeling again the
original pain they caused. She moaned softly before
clasping her hands over her eyes. This episode was
lasting longer then any she had for the past four
days. She had prayed for them to stop and they kept
acting like they were going away only to come back
with a vengeance. She endured another ten minutes of
torment before it finally released her from its grip.
She breathed deeply trying to regain her equilibrium.
Dr. Simmons had said they should be gone by now. He
had arrived earlier this week and examined her
thoroughly. He was pleased with her progress
physically, however, the continuing episodes worried
him. He had denied her request to return to active
duty. He had promised to reconsider tomorrow when she
went in for her appointment. "Damn it, if I tell him
about today he won't let me go back to work and if I
don't get back to work soon, I'll lose my mind." Mac
thought as she pictured another week of sitting around
her apartment for fear of getting the third degree for
leaving by herself. "I just won't tell him. This was
the first episode in over twenty hours and they were
coming less often. It will be fine." Mac closed her
eyes and fell asleep knowing that she would be going
back to work soon.
Harm entered the apartment quietly having received the
message from the Admiral. He headed towards the dark
bedroom at the end of the hall. Mac lay on her side
facing away from him. Harm noticed the tracks from
the tears she had recently shed. He wondered where
she had gone this morning and what had triggered the
tears. Watching her sleep, he felt a sense of peace
knowing how much she meant to him. Now all he had to
do was wait for her to be well enough to consider a
relationship. "I love you, Mac." He whispered as Mac
slept on.
Part 50
Harm placed the last of the pasta and vegetables into
his meatless lasagna, covered it with cheese, and slid
the pan into the hot oven. He pulled a loaf of
Italian bread from the breadbox and sliced it into
half inch slices and coated them in garlic butter,
laid them on a pan and set them aside to be put into
the oven. He hummed softly to the music playing on
the radio. Harm let his mind drift to the woman who
lay sleeping in the bedroom. She had not stirred
since he got home. He was trying so hard to make her
life easier, yet if anything she seemed to be
determined to stand on her own.
He hated to admit it but he hoped Dr. Simmons wouldn't
allow her to return to work tomorrow. She needed the
rest. It had been less then four weeks since they had
rescued her from Murrick. Mac had made huge strides
in her recovery. Her stamina and freedom of movements
were at about 75% of what it was originally. Her
emotional control was firmly in place in public,
however he knew she hid the worst of her pain. She
always had. Harm also knew that the new walls she was
constructing around her emotions and her heart would
be impossible to break down if they were not stopped
soon. He was very glad that he had invited the
Admiral, Harriett, Bud, and Sturgis to dinner.
Glancing at the clock, he headed for the bedroom to
wake Mac up before everyone arrived in about thirty
minutes. Checking the lasagna once more, he headed
out of the kitchen. Entering the bedroom he found Mac
curled up in the fetal position sleeping soundly.
Hating to wake her but feeling the undeniable urge to
touch her, Harm reached out and gently brushed the
hair from her face.
Mac felt the unexpected touch and reacted
instinctively. She brushed his hand away from her and
jumped out of the bed on the opposite side quickly
pulling out the gun from under her pillow. Turning
quickly she brought the gun to bear on a very startled
Commander.
"Mac!" Harm called trying to break the fear that
glazed her eyes. Realization of where she was and who
stood before her came to her quickly.
"Harm. Damn it Harm, I'm sorry." Mac replied and
lowered the gun quickly switching on the safety.
"It's all right Mac, I should know better then to
sneak up on a marine." Harm laughed with forced
cheerfulness. "I came to tell you to get up. The
Admiral, Sturgis, the Roberts, Clay, and Keeter will
be here in about twenty minutes."
"What?" Mac asked.
"They are coming over for Harm's famous meatless
lasagna." Harm threw Mac his fly-boy grin and headed
for the door. "Snap to, Marine don't be late."
Mac headed for the bathroom and washed her face.
Staring into the mirror, Mac looked at the circles
under her eyes and the lingering pallor of her
features. She quickly pulled out her make-up and comb
and set to work. Eleven minutes later Mac exited the
bathroom looking much better. She crossed to the
closet and dressed in a black turtleneck and black
slacks.
Looking objectively in the mirror, Mac saw a woman who
looked like the world had knocked her down once too
often. Her eyes held the sadness and fear that she
fought so strongly. The thought of seeing Keeter and
Clay gave her pause. She had not seen them much since
she left the hospital. They had seen her at her worst
and now she was almost ashamed to see them.
Pulling a delicate gold chain out of her jewelry box,
she slipped it on. It fell gently across her chest
and glistened against the light. Wanting to present
the picture of wellness, Mac forced a smile all the
way to her eyes, knowing her friends would see through
it if she didn't. Just as she was finishing the
doorbell rang.
"Here goes nothing." Mac whispered to herself.
Moving into the living room, she called out to Harm.
"I'll get it, Harm."
Harm smiled as he removed the lasagna from the oven.
It was nice to hear Mac sound so sure of herself.
"Thanks."
Opening the door, Mac was shocked to see Clay, Keeter,
and the Admiral standing outside. She had expected
the Roberts to arrive first. "Clay, Keeter, Admiral."
"Colonel, where's the Commander?" A.J. asked. He
knew that she needed time with Clay and Keeter.
"In the kitchen Sir." Mac replied.
"Wow Mac, you look gorgeous." Keeter said and leered
comically. He leans over and kisses her gently on the
cheek. Mac blinks away the quick rush of tears.
"Thank you for the lie." Mac replied and let Keeter
pass into the apartment before turning back to Clay.
"Clay."
"Sarah." Mac is startled by his use of her first name
as Clay hugs her gently and whispers in her ear. "I
am so sorry this happened."
"It's all right Clay. I'm all right. Thank you for
rescuing me." Mac replied before hugging him back.
They slowly enter the kitchen to find Harm and Keeter
teasing each other with the Admiral watching in
amusement. "Are you about ready to feed a hungry
Marine?"
"Yes Ma'am." Harm replied and mockingly came to
attention. "As soon as everyone else gets here we'll
eat."
"As you were." Mac answered and laughed.
The men in the room let out a collective sigh at the
laughter that had been missing for over a month. Mac
looked around at the four men that she owed her life
to. They had rescued her emotionally and physically.
Mac smiled softly at the four most important men in
her life not counting her Uncle Matt.
Part 51
The doorbell interrupted the laughter from the
kitchen. Before the men could stop her, Mac jumped up
and went to answer the door. Opening the door, Mac
was quickly enveloped in the embrace of Harriet.
"I'm so happy we were able to come over Ma'am."
Harriet said. Bud stepped forward and gave her a
quick hug also.
"Thank you for coming. All of you." Mac said and
extended her hand out and shook Sturgis' hand. "Okay
everyone come on in. Harm will be having a cow if we
don't sit down soon. We'll ruin his perfect meatless
lasagna."
"I heard that Marine." Harm called from the kitchen.
"Good." Mac replied. "Someone has to keep the squid
in line."
"Hey." Chorused the Navy personnel in the room. Mac
laughed at the reaction as they all sat down at the
table. The dinner progressed with everyone eating
more then they should and laughing until they hurt.
Mac looked around at the people at the table. She had
lived her whole life virtually alone. She had fought
for years to survive the trials and tribulations that
life had thrown at her. Happiness and fear coursed
through her as she struggled with the knowledge that
so many people cared about her and the fear that she
would disappoint them or they would leave. Mac knew
she had to keep facing this alone. She just could not
risk their disappointment. Her resolve to go back to
work was made firmer as she watched the people she
loved most laugh and talk.
Part 52
"I don't believe you are ready to return to work
Colonel." Dr. Simmons said facing Mac's back as she
stood looking out his office window. The Doctor's
words fell like blows raining down on her.
'Damn it I need to get back to work.' Mac thought
before turning and addressing the Doctor. "Doctor,
I'm going stir crazy at home. Can't I at least start
out at part-time if I promise to take it easy?"
"All right, Colonel. I'll let you go back to work
part-time only if you tell me something honestly." He
relented but said sternly.
"What?"
"How many episodes have you had since yesterday
morning?"
A look of panic raced across her face before she
pulled herself together and thought about it. One
episode occurred at 2 pm yesterday in the bathroom,
one at 10:30 pm in the bedroom, and one this morning
at 11:00 am. Only one of which was seen and Harm had
only walked in on the end of it when she was pulling
herself back together.
"Colonel?"
"One." Mac responded before relenting. "Okay one and
a half. The second one was a very brief flashback
that only lasted a few minutes. They are getting more
controllable."
"Really?" He asked skeptically.
"Yes really, they are getting much better. I feel
better and I don't hurt like I did." Mac said looking
steadily into his eyes.
"Okay Colonel, I'm going to take you at your word.
You can return to work part-time but only twenty hours
a week." He said firmly.
"But..." Mac started to protest.
"Don't even try Colonel. Consider yourself lucky that
I'm even letting you go back to work at all.
Understood?" Dr. Simmons warned.
"Yes, Sir." Mac smiled.
"You look tired. Are you sleeping all right?" The
Doctor said taking in the dark rings under her eyes.
"Actually I've been sleeping rather well. Last night
we stayed up and watched a movie until two in the
morning." Mac lied.
"How are your sessions with the psychologist?"
"Fine, she's very nice and easy to talk to." Mac
replies again lying through her teeth.
"Good. You need to talk about what happened in great
detail. I'll talk to your psychologist tomorrow.
Call me if you have any questions and behave yourself
or I will retract my orders." He ordered.
"Yes, Sir." She said. "Anything else?"
"The results from the latest test on the drug levels
in your system, still show its presence. The levels
are becoming smaller but it is taking a long time to
dissipate. Don't overdue Colonel, you could trigger a
relapse of symptoms. Are your hands giving you many
problems?" He asked.
"Some, my hands still burn and writing hurts, but
typing on the computer doesn't bother them. They are
getting better everyday." Mac said.
"Well, Colonel Mackenzie you have your orders and I
will be checking with your commanding officer to make
sure you are following them. You have an appointment
scheduled for next Friday at two, don't miss it." He
warned sternly. Mac slipped on her jacket and picked
up her purse. Dr. Simmons watched her grimace
slightly as she moved. Worry crossed his face as he
developed second thoughts on his orders.
Mac sensing his thoughts turned and gave him a
dazzling smile. "Thank you Doctor Simmons for all
your help and guidance. I will call if I have any
problems. I will see you next Friday."
Doctor Simmons watched her walk out of the office. He
crossed to the phone, picked up her file and dialed a
number.
"Judge Advocate General's Office, Petty Officer Tiner
speaking."
"Yes, I need to speak to Admiral A.J. Chedwiggen, this
is Doctor Simmons."
"Please hold and I will see if he's available." Tiner
replied.
Moments later, a strong voice came on the line.
"Chedwiggen."
"Admiral, thank you for taking my call, I won't keep
you very long." Doctor Simmons said
"No problem, Doctor, anything we can do to help Mac.
How is she?" A.J. asked concerned.
"Well, Admiral I've released her to work part-time no
more then twenty hours a week. I took her at her word
regarding her condition. I think she was making it
seem better then it actually is Sir."
"She is a Marine, so that behavior is not a shock to
me. Mac has always been independent and more
concerned with others then herself." A.J. continued.
"I will make sure she works only twenty hours a week
and I'll keep a very close eye on her."
"Thank you Admiral. I am worried about her mental
state as well."
"Mac is very good at hiding things. She sees showing
emotions as a weakness." A.J. admitted. "Let me know
if you need any assistance in getting her to open up."
"Thank you Admiral, I will. Mac has made impressive
strides in getting well, I just want to make sure she
keeps getting better." Doctor Simmons replied. "Well
Admiral thank you again for your time. I have an
appointment with Colonel Mackenzie next Friday, please
call me if I need to see her sooner."
"Thank you Doctor. Goodbye." A.J. replied and hung
up the phone. He knew Mac wasn't dealing with
everything. He also knew that Mac wouldn't deal with
it until she made up her mind to do it. 'Note to
self, talk to Harm about Mac and what she had been
willing to talk about.'
Part 53
Mac spent the afternoon in the park jogging knowing
Harm wouldn't be back at her apartment until later in
the evening. She worked out her frustration and felt
soothed by the soft rhythmatic pounding of her feet on
the sidewalk. Mac had jogged for over seven miles and
was less then a half mile from her apartment when she
felt the shaking begin in her hands. 'No not here.'
Mac thought and pushed herself to run faster. The
fear of becoming weak and out of control in a public
place spurred her in a full out run. She had just
reached the door of her apartment when the words
started revolving in her head.
"Whore" "Tramp" "All the men in Mac's life are either
dead or wish they were." "What does love have to do
with anything?"
Mac pushed the door open and practically fell into her
apartment. Mac pushed the door shut behind her and
slid down the door. Curling her knees to her chest,
Mac fought the pictures that were now joining the
words. The rape by Murrick and his guards during her
first capture, the beating, the knife wounds, and the
drugs revolved through her...tormenting her at every
turn. She unconsciously fought the images, throwing
her arms out she struck the nearby table and
overturned the vase that rested on it. The vase
shattered beside her. As the images slowly faded Mac
slowly became aware of her position crouched against
the door, with her arms outstretched warding off the
invisible enemy. Mac sobbed softly as she fought to
regain her sanity. She sat at the table with her
hands covering her face as her breath slowly returned
to normal. "This has to end."
The phone rang and Mac fought to make her body respond
and slowly crossed to answer it. "Mackenzie." She
said fighting to keep her voice steady.
"Colonel, I have been informed that you will return to
work on Monday on a part-time basis." Admiral
Chedwiggan's strong voice came through the phone.
"Yes, Sir. I'll be there bright and early Monday
morning." Mac replied as she swayed slightly.
"This is the only way this will work. Number One, you
will keep all your appointments with Doctor Simmons
and your psychologist, both of which have been
instructed to let me know if you are not cooperating."
A.J. informed her. Mac sat heavily on the couch and
listened to his instructions with half an ear.
"Number two, you will work a maximum of four hours a
day. Number three, you will take nothing home with
you and finally if I find out that you have broken any
of the above conditions, I will put you back on leave.
Do we understand each other Colonel?"
Mac shook herself out of her daze and replied. "Of
course, Sir. I will see you Monday morning." Mac
answered and hung up the phone before stumbling to the
bedroom. All she wanted was a hot shower and a long
deep soundless sleep. Moments later she stepped under
the pounding hot water, feeling the last of the
tension melt away as exhaustion took over. It took
the last of her energy to turn the water off, slip on
a gown and fall into bed. Sleep claimed her before
her head had even settled on the pillow.
In the Admiral's office, A.J. stared in disbelief at
the phone with the steady dial tone. She had hung up
on him. He sat stunned. As he thought back over
their conversation, he realized she hadn't contributed
much more then to respond when she had to.
'Damn.' A.J. thought and dialed her number again. It
rang three times before the machine picked up and her
voice came on. "Leave a message and I'll get back to
you as soon as possible."
"Colonel, pick up the phone, please." He waited a few
seconds before repeating the request only this time
louder. A.J. slams the phone down and grabs his
cover. "Tiner, I'm going out, call Commander Harrison
and reschedule his appointment to tomorrow."
"Yes, Sir." Tiner responded. "Anything else, Sir?"
"Yes is Commander Rabb still out on investigation?"
The Admiral asked.
"Yes, Sir he is. He's due back at 1600." Tiner
replied.
"Tell him to call me on my cell phone as soon as he
gets here." A.J. ordered as he walked out of the
office.
"Yes Sir."
A.J. climbed into his car trying to calm his frantic
heart. Something wasn't right, even more then normal
with Mac. He would find out what had happened and he
would make it better. A.J. thought determinedly as he
pulled out of JAG headquarters. "Hang on Darlin', I'm
on my way."
Part 54
A.J. knocked on Mac's apartment door, waiting for her
to open it. He continued to knock and yell at the
door for the next five minutes. Finally, realizing
she wasn't coming to the door, he pulled out the spare
key Harm had given him.
Quickly unlocking the door and pushing it open, he
stepped in the apartment to be met by the sound of
crunching glass. Looking down he sees the shattered
vase, in a panic he went through the apartment. He
moves from room to room yelling for her. "Mac!"
Finally making her way into the bedroom, he spots Mac
asleep on the bed. Scared by the lack of response
from Mac to all the yelling and noise he had made,
A.J. rushed over and checked her pulse. At his touch
Mac moaned softly and turned away trying to escape
back to sleep. Seeing her wet hair and deep circles
under her eyes, he realized that it was probably just
exhaustion. He pulled a blanket over her and headed
for the living room.
He quickly cleaned up the broken vase. A.J. was still
concerned over her behavior. He looked up Doctor
Simmon's phone number and dialed it. After the
receptionist answered the phone, he waited for the
doctor to pick up the line. As he waited, A.J. looked
at the photos on Mac's bookcase. There was a picture
of the whole JAG crew, one of Mac and little A.J., one
of Harm and Mac, and one of Mac and himself at the JAG
baseball game. He never knew that picture even
existed. They both looked so happy.
"Admiral?" Dr. Simmons voice came over the line.
A.J. stood staring at the photos in front of him,
remembering that wonderful day. His whole crew was
there and they had so much fun.
"Hello, Admiral?"
"Oh I'm sorry Doctor Simmons, I was distracted. I'm
calling about Colonel Mackenzie." A.J. broke out of
his daze and continued. "I spoke to her about half an
hour ago on the phone and she seemed very distracted.
I decided to check on her and I found her unresponsive
to the phone call or me banging on her door or yelling
for her. She was asleep on the bed when I got here
and is very sluggish in responding."
"Admiral, you need to remember she has been basically
to Hell and back in the last month and a half. That
is why I am insisting on her only working a few hours
a day. Give her a couple of hours and then check on
her. If she is still unresponsive call me back and I
will come check on her myself." Dr. Simmons
instructed. "She may have days where even four hours
may be too much. She may come to work and an hour
later need to leave. Be prepared for that. Her body
is fighting her strong sense of working. Be patient
but firm with her."
"Alright Doctor I will keep an eye on her and call you
if I have any problems." A.J. replied. "Thanks
again."
"Goodbye Admiral." Dr. Simmons said before hanging up
the phone.
A.J. walked back to the bedroom and checked on Mac.
She was still sleeping heavily. He carefully pulled a
blanket up over her and flipped the light off. She
never moved. He went to the living room and
unconsciously moved to Mac's favorite spot in her
apartment gazing out the window. Mac had went through
so much in her short life that he was constantly
amazed by her ability to survive with her strength
intact. He prayed that this would not be the one that
destroyed it.
A.J. checked his watch and laughed softly thinking
about Mac and her ability to tell time. It was a
little after three and it would be at least an hour
and a half before Harm would make it back to the
apartment. He had been staying with her almost every
night. Knowing Mac she'll be hungry when she wakes
up, so I might as well keep busy. A.J. moved to the
kitchen and started searching her refrigerator.
Two hours later A.J. pulled a casserole out of the
oven and headed for the bedroom. Moving to the bed he
found Mac still sleeping deeply. Hating to wake her,
he forced himself to gently shake her. "Mac, Mac.
Come on wake up."
"Mmmm...No...must sleep." Mac murmured and turned over
trying to shut him out.
"Colonel wake up." A.J. said louder. "Mac don't make
me make that an order."
Mac carefully turned over and opened her eyes slowly.
"A.J.?"
"Yeah'll Mac it's me. I need you to wake up for me."
"A.J. I'm awake. What is that smell?" Mac asked as
she sniffed the air.
"Two pans of lasagna, one vegetarian and one with
meat." A.J. replied. "Clean up and join me in the
kitchen. Harm should be here soon."
"I'll be out shortly." Mac replied. "Thanks A.J."
"No problem. Take your time." A.J. said and turned
just before exiting the room he turned. "Mac are you
sure you are feeling okay?"
"Actually A.J. I feel much better after getting some
real sleep." Mac replied as she watched him walk
away. "Everything is going to be fine...I hope." She
whispered to herself. Slowly pulling herself off the
bed she got dressed.
Part 55
The following Monday dawned bright and clear. Mac
dressed slowly taking special care with her uniform
and the placement of her ribbons. It had been over a
month since she had last worn her uniform. Her ribs
still protested any sharp movement and her palms gave
her problems with writing by hand. All in all she was
much better today then she had been in what felt like
forever. Mac was determined to find her strength and
be the kick-ass marine she was before this past
mission. With one more look in the mirror, Mac
straightened her uniform and headed for the door.
She pulled her corvette into the JAG parking lot at
seven a.m. on the dot. Sitting in her car, Mac looked
at her home away from home for the past four years.
Taking a deep breath, she walked into JAG
headquarters. Seeing the Admiral's light on in his
office, she quietly made her way to her office.
Slipping gently into her chair Mac let her eyes wander
around the room taking in all the areas of her space.
It was obvious that someone had came in and
straightened up in her absence. 'Probably Victor' she
thought with a soft smile. Only he would have the
initiative to come into her office and dare to move
things. Mac laughed softly. Victor was a fellow
marine and he like herself lived by that fact. Even
at her lowest she knew without a doubt that she was a
marine.
Taking a deep breath Mac came to the conclusion that
it was time for the Judge Advocate General's Chief of
Staff to get back to work. Turning on her computer
Mac got to work catching up her cases and checking the
mountains of email created by her absence.
Unseen or heard by Mac the office was beginning to
grow more active. The Gunny arrived first. He gazed
towards her office, just like he had since she left.
Only this time he was rewarded with the sight of the
Colonel hard at work at her desk. Her door was shut
and he took the hint and did not disturb her.
Harriett Simms arrived shortly after leaving her
husband to drop little A.J. off to the sitter. She
also respected Mac's unspoken wish to be left alone.
As the office filled with staff the only person who
even started towards her office was Lt. Singer and the
Gunny quickly cut her off.
At ten minutes after eight, Commander Harmon Rabb
strolled into JAG HQ and glancing towards Mac's
office, he simply shook his head in amazement.
Through the glass he could see her steadily at work
with a look of complete concentration. She was
focused on the work at hand and her look said do not
disturb. He started her way before changing direction
halfway there and instead headed for the Admiral's
office. Stopping at Tiner's desk, he asked to see the
Admiral. He was quickly admitted to his office.
"Enter."
Harm entered and came to attention.
"At ease, Commander. Have a seat." A.J. ordered.
Harm took a seat in front of his desk. "How's Mac this
morning?"
"Sir?" Harm asked confused. "She was here when I got
here this morning. I stopped by her place at 0745 but
she had already left."
"She's here already? What time did she arrive?"
"I don't know Sir. Was she here when you arrived?"
Harm asked.
"No and I got here at 0600." A.J. replied. "Is she
already hard at it?"
"Of course." Harm answered. "What time does she have
to leave today?"
"I know you don't have court today, so I am ordering
you to make sure Colonel Mackenzie is out of here at
noon. Not one minute after. You are also to check on
her every forty-five minutes. Is that understood
Commander?" A.J. ordered sternly.
"Yes Sir, I would be honored." Harm replied with a
smile.
"The Colonel has an appointment at 1300 make sure you
remind her. Now why don't you call Mackenzie,
Sturgis, Singer, Mattoni, and Roberts to the
conference room for staff meeting. Dismissed." A.J.
ordered. Harm stood and headed for the door. "Harm,
make sure she stays all right."
"Aye, aye, Sir." Harm replied and smiled brightly.
Part 56
Harm knocked lightly on Mac's door not wanting to
startle her. She looked up vaguely from the figures
in front of her. She smiled seeing her flyboy
standing in the doorway.
"Commander." She said softly.
"Colonel." He replied. Moving into her office he
laughed out loud upon seeing the newly created chaos
on her desk. "I see you are back in true form."
"Cute, Harm, very cute." Mac said.
"I always knew you thought I was cute." Harm said
with a grin. "The Admiral wants to start the staff
meeting. Come on."
"I'll be right there. I'm going to grab a cup of
coffee." Mac replied.
Mac ran into Harriet and Bud in the kitchen as she
went for coffee. Harriet gave her a tearful hug and
said how happy she was to see Mac back at work. Even
Bud gave Mac a quick hug. They headed for the
conference room.
The Admiral pulled Mac to the side and looked
critically into her eyes. "How are you doing Mac?"
"I'm fine Admiral." Seeing A.J.'s doubtful look she
quickly corrected herself. "Okay, I'm not fine but
I'm working on it, Sir."
A.J. saw the honesty in her words and smiled at her.
"Well Colonel, let's get to work."
"Yes, Sir." She replied.
Mac was introduced to Commander Sturgis before the
staff meeting. Upon finding out the history between
Harm and Sturgis, she simply shook her head. Only Lt.
Singer seemed unhappy to see Mac back at JAG. She
pouted at the end of the table as Mac was greeted with
open arms and well wishes.
"All right people let's all take our seats." A.J.
ordered and waited until everyone took their seats.
"Officially Colonel, welcome back."
"Thank you, Sir." Mac answered with a smile.
"Now down to business. Sturgis attempted murder,
Roberts willful disobedience of a direct order,
Mattoni fraternizing, and Singer drunk and disorderly.
Rabb you will assist Colonel Mackenzie in bringing
all current case files up to date, officially closing
out all tried cases, and reorganizing all files. Get
the Gunny and Lt. Simms to assist you. I need all
files updated by next Friday." The Admiral handed out
assignments and dismissed the meeting.
As they exited the conference room, Harm followed Mac
back to her office. She sat behind her desk and
returned her eyes to the figures in front of her.
"So, Mac where should we start?"
"Well, I need to finish these figures for the
quarterly budget report before Wednesday. So I am
going to finish this balance, then I'll work on my
files while you work on yours, then we can get
together and work on everyone else's. That work for
you?" Mac asked.
"Sounds good. Don't forget you need to leave at noon
and you have an appointment at one right?"
"Yes, Mommy. I know." Mac asked in mock
exasperation. "Now go away, Commander."
"Yes Ma'am."
Mac watched him walk away with a smile on her face.
Her smile faded as she thought of who her appointment
is with. She dreaded the meetings with the
psychiatrist. They always ended badly. 'Okay Marine,
suck it up.' She thought and turned back to her
figures.
An hour later Mac found herself nodding off slightly.
She felt her eyes get heavier and heavier. Shaking
her head trying to keep awake, she finally gave up and
rested her head against her arms. She quickly drifted
off. Gunny seeing Mac resting her head came quietly
in and closed the blinds and the door. He turned the
light off as he walked out. Mac never heard him. Her
body cried out for the rest and it won.
As the clock struck noon, A.J. stood up and headed for
the main room. Looking towards Mac's office he saw
the lights out and the blinds drawn. Meanwhile Harm
had returned from the library and also checked to see
if Mac had left. Both men assuming that Mac had left
for the day went back to work.
Part 57
Mac woke up confused and disoriented. She glanced
around her until she figured out what happened. 'Damn
Mac, first day back and you're asleep on the job.
Funny I don't remember turning out the lights or
closing the blinds.' She thought. Checking her
internal clock she was surprised to realize that it
was almost 1300. Cursing as she remembered her
appointment. Mac quickly gathered her cover and
pushed the papers she had been working on into her
briefcase. Looking through the blinds she was glad to
see only a few people milling around the office. If
Harm or A.J. caught her just leaving they would have
her on leave before she turned around. Walking
quickly Mac headed for the elevator.
Harm and A.J. had went out for lunch and were
returning in time to see Mac slip into her car and
pull out of the parking lot. They looked at each
other in confusion.
"I thought Mac left earlier." A.J. said.
"So did I. Let's check with Gunny and Lt. Simms maybe
they can explain it." Harm replied. After parking
both men took off for the building at a very fast
walk.
"Attention on deck." Gunny ordered seeing the Admiral
enter the room.
"As you were. Gunny my office." A.J. said sternly.
"Yes, Sir." Gunny followed the two quickly into the
Admiral's office.
"Gunny, what time did Colonel Mackenzie leave the
office today?" A.J. made no pretense the Gunny
wouldn't know. He watched Victor shift uncomfortably.
"Well, Sir. She left the office at 1255." He
replied.
"Damn it." A.J. said. "She is supposed to be out of
here at 1200 and not a minute past."
"Sir, please don't be angry at the Colonel. It was my
fault she left late."
"And just how is it your fault, Gunny?"
"Sir, I went to check on Colonel Mackenzie around
1100. I found her asleep at her desk. Instead of
waking her, I closed the blinds, turned off the
lights, and shut the door. I felt she needed the
sleep, Sir. She woke up and left a little before
1300." Victor replied. "So you see Sir, it is my
fault."
"Thank you Gunny. Dismissed." A.J. said with a
slight smile. As Gunny turned to leave, A.J. said.
"And Gunny keep looking out for the Colonel. But if
she falls asleep again let me know."
"Yes Sir." Gunny replied and left, shutting the door
behind him.
A.J. and Harm shared an understanding look. "Well,
Commander it seems we are not the only men who are
here to take care of Mac."
"No, Sir we're not." Harm replied with a grin. "Her
appointment today was with the psychiatrist?"
"Yes, I spoke with her this morning. Dr. Patterson
seems to be very interested in helping Mac but she
said our patient is stubborn." A.J. said and couldn't
suppress a grin.
"Stubborn? Mac? Never." Harm replied.
Part 58
Mac sat in the waiting room trying to control her
nerves as the receptionist went to see if Dr. Hamilton
was ready to see her. She knew that the psychiatrist
wanted to hypnotize her and in her head she knew it
was probably the best thing to do, however the thought
of being that susceptible to someone else's control
literally terrified her. For most of her life someone
else had been in control. First her father, then
Chris, Dalton, Costner, Murrick and even Harm to some
degree. The Marine in her fought the oppressive
feeling of defeat that being under someone else's
control triggered.
"Ms. Mackenzie, Dr. Hamilton will see you now." The
receptionist called from the
doorway.
Mac startled from her thoughts, stood quickly and
followed her back to the inner office. Dr. Hamilton
sat behind a large wooden desk. Dr. Hamilton is in
her early forties, with deep brown eyes and dark black
hair. She wore a tailored suit. She looked up and
smiled at Mac.
"Ms Mackenzie please take a seat." She gestured for
Mac to sit in a large comfortable chair on one side of
the room. Dr. Hamilton moved closer and sat opposite
Mac.
Mac took her seat and tried to smile at her. She
caught herself fidgeting and forced herself to relax.
"Good afternoon, Dr. Hamilton."
"Please call me Anne. Sarah." She hesitated before
correcting herself. "Mac. I spoke to Dr. Simmons and
he tells me that our sessions are going wonderfully."
Mac fidgeted knowing she had been caught.
"I agreed with him and hung up. Now we are going to
keep me from being a liar to an old friend. You have
three choices. One: you talk to me. Two: hypnosis.
Three: you go back on medical leave immediately. Take
your pick." Anne said in a voice that said there will
be no arguments.
Mac looked at her appraisingly trying to gage just how
serious she was about the choices laid out. Seeing
the obvious no negotiating look, Mac sighed deeply and
walked to the window and gazed out. Without turning
she spoke. "What does the hypnosis entail?"
"Due to the drug still circulating in your system, no
medication will be used to make you more relaxed. We
will take it slow and walk through your life
specifically about what happened when you were
captured by Murrick." Anne noticed the tightening of
Mac's features at the mention of his name.
"Will I be aware of what's happening?" Mac asked
again looking out the window.
"On some level. All the hypnosis will do is relax
your emotions so that you won't have the degree of
emotional response that you normally would. If you
would choose just to talk without the hypnosis we will
also go very slowly." Anne said trying to reassure
Mac of her stability.
Turning slowly, Mac faced Anne. "If I was going crazy
would I be aware of it?" She asked in a small
tentative voice.
Anne feeling sympathy feel her heart walked over to
Mac and gently clasped her hands. "I know how rough
this whole thing has been on you. I don't think
you're going crazy, I think life has just overloaded
you recently. It will take awhile but you will be
fine and I will help you do just that."
Mac slowly looked up into Anne's brown eyes and saw
the genuine concern and sincerity in her words.
"Okay. I will try to talk to you without hypnosis.
If that is okay with you?"
"That's fine Mac. Any time you want to stop just let
me know. We will do this carefully without any
pressure." Anne said soothingly.
"Sure no pressure." Mac said vaguely.
"Tell me something. Why are you looking out the
window?"
Still caught up in the thoughts of talking about the
attack, Mac answered automatically. "To see him
before he sees me. If I see him first I can hide, if
not..."
"See who first?" Anne asked softly.
"No one. I'm sorry Doctor, I lost my thoughts there
for a minute." Mac said after realizing what she was
admitting.
"Sarah, tell me about your father." Anne said calmly.
Mac looked up at her first in surprise at the use of
her given name then in shock over the question. "What
does he have to do with me being captured by Murrick?"
"Nothing. But I do think it has a lot to do with your
reaction to it." Anne replied before firmly adding.
"Sarah, don't make me give you the choices again."
Mac looked up and glared at her. "Fine. You want to
know about my father. He was a son of a bitch who
liked to beat the hell out of my mother. He beat her
so often and so badly she left. And she left me with
him." She gasped harshly trying to calm her raging
heart as her voice got louder. "And my name is MAC!!
Call me Sarah again and I will walk out of here and
never return! Do you understand?"
Anne looked at Mac in shock at the extreme reaction.
"I know you prefer Mac and I won't make that mistake
again. Please take a deep breath, take a seat, and
try to relax."
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I reacted so violently."
Mac replied and sat down heavily on the chair across
from Dr. Hamilton. Pressing her hands against her
eyes she struggled to control the emotions running
through her.
"It's all right, Mac. We'll make it all right." Anne
Hamilton felt her heart wrench seeing the obvious pain
of the woman in front of her.
Mac lifted her head and stared sadly into the Dr's
eyes. "I'm just not sure it will be."
Part 59
Seeing the exhaustion haunting Mac's eyes, Anne came
to a quick decision. "Mac it will be all right
eventually. You look completely worn out. Let's call
it a day and I want to see you tomorrow at the same
time. Okay?"
"Okay." Mac said softly feeling the tiredness creeping
through her system and realizing she was in no
condition to drive and decided she would have to ask
Anne to use her phone. Drawing a deep breath, she
swallowed her tough pride. "I'll try harder tomorrow.
I don't think I should drive right now. Could I use
your phone to call a cab?"
"Certainly. Let me get Melissa to call a cab for
you." Anne said and walked out of the office.
Mac stared sadly at the floor. 'How did my life come
to this? How could one man destroy the strength
inside me? How do I get it back?' Mac thought to
herself as she waited for Dr. Hamilton to come back.
'The only good thing in all this is I haven't tried to
run to the bottle, no matter how great the temptation.
That would mean all my strength is not gone and I
won't give up. I refuse to let this defeat me." Mac
told herself firmly and took a deep breath as Anne
walked in.
"Mac, the cab is on the way, it should be here within
fifteen minutes. Until then, why don't you tell me a
little about an easier topic like your job." Anne
offered.
"Okay, I work for the Judge Advocate General which you
know. I am his Chief of Staff and I take my duties as
such very seriously. At least I am for now." Mac
replied.
"Why do you say for now?"
"Well a two star Admiral needs a Chief of Staff that
can handle any crisis and is operating at least at a
capacity of 100%. Any less is unacceptable. He has
already gone without an active Chief of Staff. Within
a couple weeks he will have to come to the decision of
keeping me or finding someone who can do the job
fully." Mac stated matter of factly.
"You don't seem overly concerned with it." Anne
replied.
"I know the Admiral will make the best decision for
JAG and if I'm not it I will accept it. I will put
the needs of the office over my personal goals. I
cannot let the pity he feels for me to influence his
decision." Mac again said matter-of-factly.
"Mac..." Anne began only to be interrupted by a knock
at the door. "Come in."
"Anne, Ms. Mackenzie's taxi is here." The
receptionist entered and informed them.
"Thanks Susan, tell him she'll be right there." Anne
directed. "Mac why do you feel that the Admiral
pities you?"
"I don't feel, I know. I'm really tired." Mac forced
out feeling the exhaustion reaching an almost
uncontrollable level. "Goodbye Anne, I'll see you
tomorrow."
Anne Hamilton watched her walk out and decided it was
time to find out some background information on
Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. Reaching for the
phone, Anne sighed heavily hoping that she would be
able to get some idea of Mac's past to avoid all the
mine fields she had stepped in lately.
Part 60
"Judge Advocate General's office, Petty Officer Tiner
speaking how can I help you?" A young voice answered.
"Yes, Petty Officer Tiner this is Dr. Anne Hamilton
could I speak to Admiral Chedwiggan?" She asked.
"Let me check and see if he's available, Ma'am."
Tiner replied and put her on hold.
Tiner knocked on the Admiral's office door. At his
command, Tiner entered. Inside the office sat
Commander Rabb and the Admiral. "Sir, Dr. Anne
Hamilton is on line one for you. Would you like me to
take a message?"
"Put her through Tiner." A.J. ordered and picked up
the line as he put the call through. "Dr. Hamilton,
A.J. Chedwiggan, Ma'am."
"Admiral, I've heard a lot about you from Mac. I
wanted to see if you could send me her complete
personnel file. Currently all I have is information
regarding the recent mission." Dr. Hamilton asked.
"Also I would like to sit down and talk to you and
some of your key officers in person. I believe Mac
will need not only my help one on one but also a lot
of support from you and your staff. I know that Mac
is currently your Chief of Staff, I need to know if
that status is in jeopardy."
"Well, Doctor, first I will send over a copy of Mac's
personnel file to you however I need to warn you that
there are many gaps simply labeled classified.
Second, my top officers and I are available when you
need us. Finally, Mac is my Chief of Staff and she
will continue in that role. What would give you the
idea that might be in jeopardy?"
"It seems Mac expects it to be given to someone else
who can better physically and emotionally perform the
duties required." Anne replied. "I just need to know
how to address her acceptance of this change."
"Well Doctor as far as I'm concerned, Mac will be my
Chief of Staff until she is promoted or retires."
A.J. responded in his best firm Admiral voice.
"Good to hear it. I will look for the file to be
delivered tomorrow." Dr. Hamilton said. "I could see
you and your top officers on either Wednesday or
Thursday evening at six o'clock. Just call me back
and leave the best time with my receptionist."
"Thank you Doctor. It will probably be Wednesday
evening. I really appreciate what you are doing for
Colonel Mackenzie." A.J. replied and disconnected.
"What will be on Wednesday evening?" Harm asked
concerned once he realized that it was Mac's
psychiatrist that was calling.
"Dr. Hamilton would like to see JAG's officer's and
myself Wednesday or Thursday evening. Can you check
with Bud, Harriett, Sturgis, and Victor see which day
is better? Mattoni and Singer are both away on
assignment. Make it happen Commander. Then go by
Mac's apartment on your way home and check on her.
Let me know if she needs to shorten her hours." A.J.
ordered.
"Aye, aye Sir." Harm replied. "I'll let you know
which night before I leave."
"Dismissed." A.J. ordered.
Mac went home and straight to bed hoping to sleep.
Sleep was the only place that allowed her to escape
from the worries, the memories, and her current
emotional state. 'Unless the nightmares come again.'
A small voice in her head said. The exhaustion was
do draining on her spirit as well as her body. She
thought of all the times she pulled 12-16 hour days on
as little as a couple hours of sleep. Today she had
worked less then four hours and fell asleep at her
desk. Her thoughts faded as sleep took its hold. Her
sleep was deep and cleansing for about two hours then
the tremors began in her hand. Still caught in the
veil of sleep, Mac tossed restlessly on the bed.
Murrick's face and her fathers both enraged blended
together and then apart over and over as their
familiar words echoed in her head. She struggled
violently to run from the words, however in her
sleeping state there was no escape. Even as she
struggled on the outside, internally her strength was
nothing compared to the power of the episodes. She
finally broke from its power and woke with a scream
trying to break free. Breathing heavily she swallowed
the screams.
Part 61
"Oh God." Mac breathed. "Please make them stop."
Mac felt her nerves slowly relax as she rocked slowly
back and forth calming the panic within her. As the
panic eased, sadness filled her soul. "This has to
stop." As much as she tried to pretend that they were
getting better, Mac knew that the episodes were still
coming regularly and almost with the same intensity.
Admitting to herself that Dr. Hamilton was one of her
best chances to recover was difficult to do. Mac
thought about the days ahead and felt the fear
intensify. The strange part was that she was pretty
much all right with reliving the last mission however
the thought of the rest of her past terrified her.
The episodes were bad enough in making her relive her
past. The sessions with Dr. Hamilton would force her
to discuss the past instead of just reliving it. The
mere thought of discussing it brought immediate pain
to her soul.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.
'Probably Harm or A.J. who just happen to be in the
neighborhood.' Mac laughed softly as she pulled
herself carefully out of the bed. The tiredness
returned as she regained her footing. Slipping into
her robe, she headed for the door. Peering through
the hole she smiled at the sight of Harm shuffling
from foot to foot and looked worried. 'He worries so
much.' She thought as she opened the door.
"Come in, Flyboy." Mac said before heading to the
kitchen.
"Mac, I was nearby so I thought I'd stop by and see
how your first day back was." Harm said. Mac laughed
as he looked after her with a confused look. "What?"
"I don't know how you and the Admiral ever made it to
where you are today." Mac said.
"What do you mean?" Harm asked.
"You both come by everyday because you were in the
neighborhood when you both neither live or shop
anywhere near here. And you are both horrible liars."
Mac laughed. "Are you hungry?"
"Actually I brought dinner with me, I thought you
might not feel up to making dinner." Harm replied.
"Just nearby huh?" Mac asked. "Is that Chinese food
I smell?"
"Typical Marine always thinking with her stomach."
Harm teased. "Why don't you find a seat on the couch
and I'll get the plates and something to drink. What
do you want?"
"There's bottled water and soda in the frig. Surprise
me." Mac said as she turned on the stereo and put in
a soft blues CD before moving to sit on the couch.
"So how was your day, dear?"
"Cute Mac." Harm entered the room carrying two
bottles of water, two plates loaded with food, and
some napkins. "My day was fine, I settled the Mason
case and did some of the research the Admiral asked
for. What about you?"
"It was kind of rough. I was glad to be back but I
have to admit it will be awhile before I'm back to
even seventy percent." Mac replied honestly as she
ate.
"You're short changing yourself Mac. Today was your
first day back and you were great." Harm argued.
"Harm, I fell asleep at my desk. If it hadn't been
for Gunny everyone in the bullpen would know. Then I
go to the psychologist and find myself at the point of
screaming or passing out from exhaustion. I worked
less then four hours today and couldn't stay awake.
That really doesn't breed much confidence in my
stamina." Mac caught her breath. "I'm sorry that
came out rather rude. I know it will get better and I
know I will survive therapy, but once in a while I
have doubts. But then the kick-ass Marine kicks in
and God help those doubts."
"God help them is right. That kick-ass Marine scares
me." Harm said half-jokingly but knowing on some
level that it was true. They laughed lightly and
continued their dinner with lighter conversation
centering on Chloe and little AJ. Harm went to the
kitchen to wash the dishes.
'He'd make a great husband.' Mac thought before
drifting to sleep.
"Mac, you want some ice cream?" Harm called from the
kitchen. When no answer was forthcoming he moved back
into the living room. Struck by the beauty of a
sleeping Mac, he stopped momentarily before kneeling
down beside the couch. He graced her check with his
knuckles. "You are so beautiful." He whispered
before heading to the bedroom.
Looking at her bed, he could tell that she had a rough
sleep. He stripped the bed, found her clean sheets
and remade the bed. Folding back the clean white
sheets, he moved back to the living room and gently
scooped her up into his arms. "I've got you baby."
He soothed as he placed her on the bed. Tenderly
tucking her in, he leaned over and kissed her on the
forehead. "Sleep well Sarah."
Part 62
Mac arrived at work the next morning at eight o'clock
on the dot. She knew the Admiral would be watching
for her to come early. Seeing Harm's SUV in the
parking lot, she smiled. Even Harm had arrived early,
miracles of miracles.
Mac had awakened this morning with a sense of peace
that she hadn't possessed in a very long time. She
remembered getting sleepy while sitting on the couch
with Harm. The next thing she knew was waking up in
her bed and it was morning. There was no doubt in her
mind that Harm had carried her to bed and that
tenderness touched the deep wound in her soul. Her
goals for today were to simply stay awake and make it
through her appointment with Dr. Hamilton. They
weren't the biggest or most impressive goals but they
were hers. Mac took a deep breath, put on her best
Lieutenant Colonel expression and walked into JAG
headquarters with her head held high.
Mac entered the bullpen, stopped at Harriet's desk and
waited for her to finish her phone call.
"Yes Ensign, you heard me correctly. The Admiral
needs that information today by 1200 not 1205 not 1300
but 1200! Don't BUT me Ensign, just get it done."
Harriet sounded so much like AJ that Mac had to smile.
Glancing up she was surprised to see Mac waiting to
talk to her. "Ma'am it's so good to see you this
morning."
"It's good to be here Harriet." Mac said as she
glanced around the bullpen. She caught AJ and Harm
watching her from Harm's office. They jumped back
feeling guilty at getting caught. "I see Gunny's away
from his desk, Harriet. Would you have him come see
me when he comes back?"
"Certainly Ma'am. Here are your messages and if you
need anything please let me know." Harriet said
grinning.
"Thank you and I will let you know if I need anything.
I will be in my office until noon today." Mac
instructed before starting for her office.
"Yes, Ma'am I'll forward any calls." Harriet replied.
Mac dropped her briefcase and cover in her office and
came back to Harriet's desk. "Harriet please call me
at 1130."
"Yes, Ma'am." Mac walked towards Harm's office and
watched the boys scramble to look like they were
working on something instead of just spying. As she
entered the office she heard them speaking.
"How is the Miller case coming Commander?" AJ asked.
"Fine, Admiral just fine." Harm stammered.
"Expecting a conviction for him with a sentence of
5-10 years."
"Good." AJ replied before pretending to be surprised
to see Mac in the doorway. "Well good morning
Colonel, when did you get in?"
"Just a few minutes ago Sir." Mac tried to hide her
smile. "I was heading for the kitchen for some
coffee. Would you gentlemen care for a cup?"
"Well..." AJ began before Mac cut him off.
"I promise to make it a little weaker then the last
time Sir." Mac said straight-faced.
"Very good, Colonel. I will take a cup. Commander?"
AJ replied thinking about the last cup of hers he
drank. His spoon stood straight up in it.
"No thank you. You both make coffee that you could
seal a submarine with." Harm answered quickly before
realizing what he said. "Sorry Sir, Colonel."
"Cute Commander." Mac answered before heading for the
kitchen. Turning around she added. "Oh by the way
guys. If you are going to lie, try to at least make
it believable. The Miller case was settled two months
ago between Lt. Roberts and Commander Mattoni. It was
also only a letter of reprimand in HER file. I
haven't been gone that long."
Harm and AJ watched her walk away with open mouths.
"Damn that woman continues to shock the hell out of
me." AJ said.
"I know exactly what you mean, Sir." Harm replied and
smiled. "I'm just looking forward to having her keep
shocking me for many years to come."
Part 63
Mac arrived for her appointment with Dr. Hamilton
fifteen minutes early. After checking in with the
receptionist, Mac took a seat. She had made a deal
with herself on her way to the appointment. She would
be as open and honest as possible regarding anything
the psychiatrist wanted to discuss. Although Mac knew
it would not be easy by any means, she had awoken this
morning with the determination to improve her attitude
and her personal situation. It was time to make some
kind of peace with her past or at least come to some
kind of understanding with it.
Since her mother left her, Mac had felt that she was
unlovable in the forever or unconditional way. All
the songs and movies on unconditional love had always
made her laugh bitterly for she knew it could never
be. Her life read like a great action adventure
novel. From abused child to military secret agent to
lawyer, Mac's roles had changed more then her
hairstyle and that is saying a lot for a woman in her
thirties. She thought briefly that Harm could be the
one to love her without conditions, but reality had
stepped in with intelligent, beautiful blondes. Mac
felt that if he couldn't commit to these relatively
sane women, he definitely wouldn't commit to her with
the baggage that was attached.
Harm was the best friend she had ever had. He had
been there during her recent trials and tribulations,
without judging her for her actions. He had never
said 'what were you thinking?' even though she knew he
probably thought it on more then one occasion.
AJ had once asked her why she didn't come to him when
she was having problems with Chris. She had never
really answered him because the answer seemed so
obvious to her. Everyone at JAG saw her as Major
Sarah 'Mac' Mackenzie, a strong Marine able to take on
anything. She was just beginning to believe that she
had found a home where she was welcome and actually
felt like a member of the JAG family, when Chris
arrived and sent it to Hell in a hand basket. How
could she tell a two star Admiral that she hid her
problems because the destruction of connections that
had been missing from her life for so very long
terrified her? How do you stand in front of a man
that feels like a surrogate father and tell him that
you lied to the military regarding marital status,
that you had an affair with a superior officer, and
that you killed your husband? How do you admit that
on some level you are glad that he is dead? How do
you admit that you would rather take a beating then
listen to him yell his disappointment at you? What do
you say when you feel like you are nothing of
importance to anyone?
Dr. Hamilton, answering a call from the receptionist
entered the waiting room. Mac sat alone in the
farthest corner, next to the biggest window. Tears
slipped silently down her face. She could tell by the
far off look in Mac's eyes that she was not aware of
anyone else in the room. Kneeling down in front of
her, Anne carefully reached for her hands. They shock
violently, especially the right one. Anne gently
cradled her hands. Mac didn't react to the touch.
"Mac." Anne called softly trying not to startle her.
Seeing no response, she tried again. "Mac, can you
hear me?"
Mac saw the Admiral standing in front of her after the
fiasco with the incident report. He had yelled at her
while she tried desperately not to flinch from his
words. She had been reminded so strongly of her
father that she almost expected him to strike her.
She would admit that she ran from Harm, from JAG, from
everything. Mic Brumby was a world away and there it
seemed uncomplicated.
Mic proclaimed his love and for a while Mac bought
into the promise of this love, but she knew better and
eventually it came out. When Mic showed up at the
Surface Warfare Ball, he had taken her life and threw
it back into chaos. She had told him she loved him
and on some level she did, just not the way he claimed
to love her. The ending of their relationship felt
like her last hopes at love were being extinguished.
Now she struggled daily to place one foot in front of
the other and look at the future with something
besides fear and dread.
"Mac. You're starting to scare me. Mac, can you hear
me?" Anne asked as the tremors grew stronger and more
tears flowed. Seeing the deep encompassing sadness
that darkened her eyes, Anne was ready to send her
receptionist for the tranquilizers she kept in the
office. Deciding to try one more time, Anne reached
out and touched Mac's face brushing the tears from her
cheeks. "Mac."
Mac startled at the touch, felt the episode release
its hold on her. Glancing around she caught sight of
Anne kneeling beside her. She whispered uncertainly.
"Anne?"
"Yeah Mac, I'm right here. Rest for a little while."
Anne replied before turning to her receptionist.
"Sandy, please get Mac a glass of water."
"Certainly, Anne." Sandy replied before heading out.
Mac cradled her face in her hands, which still
trembled slightly. Calming her breathing and her
thoughts, Mac felt her hands slowly relax. Finally
feeling able to speak coherently, Mac looked up at
Anne. "How are you today?"
"How am I today?" Anne looked at Mac incredulously.
"Five minutes ago you didn't even know I was in the
room with you."
"I know. But that is how the episodes operate. One
minute I am completely under its control the next I'm
pretty much fine, just tired." Mac replied. "They
are getting better though. They're not as violent. I
don't seem to feel the blows anymore, just the
emotions."
"Well let's go into my office." Anne said and watched
Mac slowly stand up. Seeing her wobble slightly, she
put her hand around Mac's waist and steadied her as
they walked. "Sandra went to get you a drink and we
will sit on the couch talk for a little while and then
I'll call you a cab."
"Thanks." Mac said softly as they reached the couch
in Anne's office. She sat down heavily and again
closed her eyes, trying to regain her equilibrium.
Part 64
Anne watched the Marine Colonel sitting in front of
her slowly find her strength. Mac opened her eyes as
Sandra entered the room. She came to the couch and
handed a glass of water to Mac.
"Thank you." Mac acknowledged and took a large
cooling drink of water. "So Anne what would you like
to discuss today?"
"Are you sure you feel up to talking?" Anne asked
concerned by the tired tilt of her head.
"Yes. I'm tired but not exhausted. I'm a Marine
remember." Mac replied before continuing. "Well
where should we start?"
"Let's look at your coworkers first. I know a little
from what you have told me in the past. Let's cover
some of the important people in your life. You
mentioned Commander Rabb. Tell me a little more about
him and your relationship."
"Relationship? We don't have a relationship!" Mac
said loudly. "We work together and yes we used to be
best friends but nothing else happened!"
"Mac, I didn't mean anything inappropriate. You said
you were friends. I just wanted to know what this
past mission did to that." Anne said while she made a
mental note to explore the same topic with the
Commander in question.
"Well Harm and I have been friends for about five
years. We started out at each other's throat. I
don't know who had the biggest attitude. He was cocky
and so sure of himself that he annoyed the hell out of
me. However, I was no prize either. I was coming out
of a very bad past and anything Harm said irritated
me. I was so overly sensitive to his remarks that we
fought for the first six months. Eventually we moved
past that. We shared our past and supported each
other as we prepared for the future." Mac paused a
moment and gazed sadly at her hands.
"Go on Mac, you're doing fine." Anne encouraged.
"I really thought I had found a home with JAG here in
Washington. Then my past came back to haunt me. It
damaged a lot of the trust that Harm and I had built.
Then just as we were about to regain that trust, my
best friend decides to leave and go back to the love
of his life...flying." Mac said and tears welled slowly
into her eyes. She blinked them away. "It destroyed
that feeling of complete trust that I had searched for
all my life. I felt alone and drifting. So when Webb
called regarding the mission. You have the basics of
the mission, correct?"
"Yes, Mac. Webb came personally and gave me the
basics of what happened. You can talk freely." Anne
replied.
"As I was saying when Webb called about the mission, I
jumped at it. If for no other reason then to stop
myself from waiting uselessly by the phone or checking
for email that never comes. Harm was gone six months
and during that time he emailed my twice and called
once regarding a case. I know what you are going to
ask. Was I any better? Probably not. But he left
me." Mac's voice broke slightly.
"Did he leave you? Or did he leave an assignment for
another?" Anne asked.
"Both, I guess. I remember going on the mission, not
really caring if I made it back to JAG. That mission
also went to hell in a hand basket. As I was going
through one of the worst experiences of my life, I
felt that I couldn't turn to him. By the time he
returned from flying, I almost hated him as much as I
loved him."
"You love Commander Rabb?" Anne asked.
"Yes." Mac replied before realizing what she said.
She glanced up at Anne in shock. "Oh my God, did I
just say I loved him?"
"Yes you did." Anne said concerned at the panic that
crossed Mac's face. "Mac take a breath and tell me
what scares you about that?"
"I thought I was over it. That I had forced myself to
see the truth that he will never love me and that the
most we could be is friends." Mac stood up and paced
the room. "I'm a reasonably intelligent woman. How
could I still love a man that will never love me?"
"Mac are you sure he doesn't love you?" Anne asked.
Part 65
"Am I sure Harm doesn't love me?" Mac laughed
ironically. "Trust me he doesn't love me. Don't get
me wrong, I know Harm cares about me but he isn't in
love with me and he never will be. I mean why would
he? He's a strong handsome soldier who believes that
honesty is everything. And I am ..."
"You are what?" Anne responded.
"Nothing." Mac forced out. "I am a drunk who goes
through men like I used to go through drinks. Harm
once said something to the effect that everyman I had
ever been involved with was either dead or wishes they
were. Does that sound like someone he would be able
to love?"
Anne watched Mac struggle to speak feeling her heart
wrench at the obvious pain in her eyes. "You want to
know what I think?" At Mac's nod, Anne continued. "I
think the way you see your friends is colored by your
past. I am meeting with your C.O., Commander Rabb,
and a few other key officers chosen by the Admiral."
"What?" Mac said loudly as shock, betrayal and
eventually fear crossed her face."
"Hold on let me explain. Nothing you tell me will be
shared with them. The only reason I'm meeting with
them is to get a better idea of your support system
and your position at work." Anne explained
soothingly. "I will not betray you Mac. Like I told
you when you first came here: everything you have told
me or will tell me is confidential."
"Honest?"
"Honest. I will protect your privacy Mac. We have
made a lot of progress these last couple days. As
long as you keep talking I won't have to go to your CO
for anything. Okay?" Anne asked and waited for
Mac's answer.
"Okay." Mac answered feeling the tiredness creep back
over her. "Can we call it a day?"
"Sure." Anne responded. "I'll have Sandy call you a
cab."
"Thanks." Mac replied and hesitated a few minutes
before continuing. "Anne, now that we've talked some
more. Do you think I'm going crazy?"
Part 66
"Do I think you're going crazy?" Anne asked
incredulously. She gave a short laugh before seeing
the seriousness of Mac's gaze. "Mac. I don't think
you're crazy. Yes you've went through a really hard
time and yes the drugs you were given are making you
act a little crazy. They are also making you doubt
yourself."
"But I feel like I am losing my mind. The memories
take over my thoughts and tear me apart inside." Mac
admitted without looking at Anne.
"Are they getting better?"
"Well yes. The last couple episodes haven't left me
completely disoriented or destroyed. They still take
over and make me relive things from my past." Mac
said. "Things I've tried to overcome and put out of
my mind. They keep coming back."
"Well we are going to make them go away or at least
get to a manageable level. I'll go get Sandy to call
you a cab." Anne said. "Sit here and relax a while,
Mac."
Mac watched Anne walk out and felt the exhaustion that
seemed to never be far away take over. She leaned
back in the chair and closed her eyes. She quickly
drifted off to sleep. This was how Anne found her a
few minutes later. Deciding to let her sleep until
the cab came, Anne moved to another office and picked
up a small tape recorder. "Patient M42697-798
Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. Met with patient
on the 20th at one o'clock pm. Found patient in
severe disassociation. When patient came out of it,
she was willing to continue with session. Patient is
more open and willing to share her emotions. Although
patient exhibits signs of frequent disassociation, my
belief is that her body's lingering reaction to the
drug is causing it. She is bordering on collapse due
to stress. However Mac as she insists on being called
is strong and determined to beat this. I feel that
with guidance she can overcome her past trials.
Meeting with patient's coworkers/friends. Need to
arrange meeting with the four men involved in the
rescue. End notes." Anne finished as Sandy came into
the office. Walking over to Mac she gently touched
her arm. "Mac...Mac...it's time to wake up."
Mac awoke quickly and glanced around disoriented by
her surroundings. "Anne?"
"Yes Mac it's me. Your cab is here. Can you make it
downstairs?" Anne asked concerned by Mac's lingering
disorientation.
Mac shook her head slightly finally focusing on Anne.
"I'm okay. Give me a minute and I'll head out." Mac
took a deep breath and moved to stand up. Coming to
her feet she reached out and steadied herself with the
chair arm. Feeling stronger, Mac stood up straight
and faced Anne. "Thank you Anne. I'll see you
tomorrow."
"Mac, do you want me to walk you out?"
"No I'll be fine. Thanks anyway." Mac replied as she
slowly walked towards the door. Finally entering the
elevator, Mac leaned heavily against the wall. She
rested that way until the doors opened on the first
floor. She could see the cab waiting right outside
the door. 'Okay suck it up marine. Time to move.
You can completely collapse when you get home.' Mac
talked to herself as she carefully made her way
outside to the waiting cab.
Sitting in the cab as they drove through the streets,
Mac fought to stay awake. Forcing herself to keep her
mind active, Mac reviewed past cases. Diligently
going through the details of each case slowly in her
mind trying to keep it awake. Falling asleep in the
back of a cab was not her idea of fun. The cab
finally pulled up in front of her apartment building.
She blindly handed him the fare and made her way into
her building.
The cabbie looked after the woman who had just given
him a fifty-dollar bill for a fifteen-dollar fare. He
had tried to give her change but she hadn't responded.
He had picked her up at the same location yesterday
and the receptionist had told him to plan on picking
her up at the same time tomorrow. 'I wonder what is
wrong with her.' He wondered thinking about the
unsteadiness that she had exhibited the past two days.
Meanwhile, Mac let herself into her apartment and
headed for the bedroom. She kicked her shoes off,
dropped her jacket and collapsed onto the bed quickly
falling into a deep sleep.
Part 67
Friday morning dawned bright and clear. Mac's first
week back at work was coming to an end and she was
counting the minutes. But she had to make it through
her doctor's appointment this afternoon. As she got
dressed she thought back over the week. Meeting with
Anne had actually helped her to face her problems.
She had been terrified at the thought of Anne meeting
with Harm, AJ and who knows whom else. Thursday
morning her nerves were stretched tightly as she
walked into the bullpen at 0700. The only person
there when she arrived was the Admiral who had seen
her pull up. He quickly stepped out of his office and
called her into his office.
"Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie reporting as ordered
Sir." Mac said and came to attention as she entered
the office.
"How are you doing Colonel?" The Admiral asked.
"I'm fine, Sir." Mac replied rigidly.
"Take a seat Mac." AJ ordered. He looked Mac over
carefully searching her face for some sign of where
she stood in her recovery. Mac's face was still pale,
the bruises were still faintly there, and her eyes
were still guarded. His concern overcame military
protocol. He rounded the desk and sat in the chair
next to her. AJ gently picked up her left hand. "Mac
how are you really doing?"
"I'm getting better, AJ. The sessions with Anne are
helping." Mac hesitated before continuing. "How did
your meeting go last night?"
"Fine, Mac. I want you to know that we discussed your
job and what all you do as part of it and how you've
done this week. We did not discuss personal
feelings." AJ paused letting that sink in before
continuing. "Dr. Hamilton met with myself and Harm
afterwards individually because he was there for the
rescue and I was there soon after. She seems to think
you are making good progress and thinks that as long
as you take it slow and ease back into work you will
be fine. I know you don't meet with her this
afternoon due to your appointment with Dr. Patterson.
How are you feeling physically?"
"Getting better everyday Sir." Mac answered quickly.
"Colonel." A.J. said warningly. "Complete truth."
"Fine." Mac said shortly before standing and moving
to the window. "Honestly Sir I hurt like Hell half
the time and the other half I'm so tired I can't see
straight. I come here and barely put in four hours.
I go see Anne for about an hour and then it is all I
can do to make it home before I fall asleep. I drive
myself to work every morning after I pick my car up
from Anne's office because I had to take a cab home
the evening before. I feel guilty because people keep
telling me how lucky I am to be alive and that someone
must have been looking out for me." She laughs
bitterly. "But Sir sometimes I just want to scream
and cry for what I've been through. I just want to
wallow in pity a little bit but then I feel ashamed
for feeling that way. I am a Marine Colonel." Macs
voice got louder as she became more aggravated.
A.J. noticed her hands shaking before he saw the blank
glaze go over Mac's eyes. "Mac." He said softly as
he approached her.
While A.J. gazed at her in concern, Mac only saw the
flashback to her recent mission.
"I heard they locked you up, Serena. In a little
padded room. You screamed for me to stop the first
time. You will scream this time." Murrick's voice
droned in her ear as she fought the image before her.
Feeling a hand on her arm, Mac yelled "Get away from
me! You son of a bitch! I will kill you before I let
you hurt me again!" She swung wildly trying to escape
the touch. A.J. saw it coming and ducked quickly.
Talking softly he tried to soothe her. "Mac, your
safe. No one is going to hurt you, I promise."
"Liar! What do you want from me?" Her eyes pleaded
with him to make the images go away. Her body shook
violently. Seeing her legs start to give out under
her, AJ scooped her up and carried her to the sofa.
Cradling her against him, he watched her ride out the
session. He heard her sigh just before her body
relaxed against him as the darkness claimed her.
"Sleep Sarah, everything will be okay." He whispered
as he gently laid her on the sofa. He kissed her
softly on the forehead before walking out of his
office.
Part 68
A.J. stalked through the bullpen to the kitchen. An
impotent rage coursed through him. How could that
animal have done this to Mac? How could one person do
something like that to another? A.J. was no stranger
to pain or the violence people were capable of, it is
just very different when it is someone you care about.
Seeing Mac crumble in front of his eyes actually
scared him. Even when you thought she would crawl off
and hide, she stood tall and defiant in her own way.
After the death of her husband Chris, he was ashamed
to admit that he thought she would run and lick her
wounds. She had shocked him when she had stayed and
worked to prove herself to him all over again and God
knows, I didn't make it any easier for her. He had
been hurt that she didn't confide in him what was
going on and he had taken that hurt and punished her
for it. When she had 'spread her wings' he responded
with derision and again punished her for the hurt he
felt when she left. And with the accident incident
report that she had seen and got caught on, she had
stood up and steadfastly defended her actions. She
had stood before him with hurt building in her eyes,
but she didn't back down. Now that bastard and his
drug had taken so much of Mac's self-control away from
her. She would have died rather then have him see her
like that again.
He knew from talking to her doctor and psychologist
that she was making remarkable progress physically and
starting to mentally. He had also been informed that
the episodes were still coming, just less frequently.
He had assumed since she hadn't had any that he had
seen, that they must have stopped. She had hidden or
at least not revealed that to anyone at JAG. He
doubted that Rabb even knew. "Half the time I hurt
like Hell and the other half I'm exhausted." Her
words had floored him. She was so strong and for her
to admit that the four hours she was working exhausted
her, he knew it was the gospel truth. A.J. also knew
that the vibrant kick-ass Marine Colonel was still
inside the current Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, she
was just still trying to regain her footing and her
strength.
Webb had given him a copy of the first mission where
Mac met Murrick. He couldn't imagine Mac in a little
white room but if anyone had a reason to be it was
her. He could think of nothing more personally
violating then rape. Just the thought of what Murrick
had done to her, made AJ want to rip apart something
with his bare hands. How could a man force himself on
a woman? Now knowing most of Mac's past, her reaction
to cases, men, and friends was easier to understand.
Beginning with her father and ending with Murrick, Mac
had been abused by men her whole life. Some had
physically hurt her, while others tore her soul to
ribbons with their words. "What do you want from me?"
Mac had asked this question many times during her
episodes. She always wore the saddest resigned
expression like she knew whatever was going to be
asked of her would take another piece of her soul with
it. Her eyes seemed to say 'just take it and leave me
alone to recover from the pain you're going to
inflict.' Her life had been a constant cycle of pain
and recovery.
A long time ago he had considered pursuing a
relationship with Mac, but he knew that she was in
love with Harm even if she wasn't ready to say it.
Mac was a strong woman who had her flaws but made up
for them with her incredibly large heart. She was the
kind of person who would go to any lengths necessary
to help a friend. Brumby had once said that he was a
little bit in love with her, and in a way he was
right. He probably cared about her more then he
should, but a real relationship with her was something
that he knew couldn't last. He appreciated her as a
woman but also as a friend. AJ knew that if he needed
her that she would be there no matter what the
personal cost was to her.
AJ shook away his thoughts as he heard the elevator
open. Wondering who won this morning he headed
towards the elevator to see if the Gunny or Harriett
was first this morning. He hid a smile as Gunny
walked towards him. He snapped quickly to attention.
"At ease Gunny."
"Good Morning Admiral." Gunny said as he looked
towards Mac's office. "Sir, have you seen the Colonel
this morning? I thought her car was in the parking
lot."
"She's here Gunny. It's been a rough morning for the
Colonel. She's resting in my office and she is not to
be disturbed by anyone. Understood, Gunny?" AJ said
firmly.
"Understood, Admiral. Don't forget that you have a
meeting with the SecNav scheduled for this morning at
nine. Should I put him in the conference room when he
arrives for that meeting, Sir?" The Gunny asked as
the two men walked towards the kitchen.
"Good idea Gunny. Let's do that. The Colonel needs
her rest and meeting in the conference room will let
her get it." AJ replied while pouring the thick dark
black coffee into his mug before offering it to the
Gunny. Gunny took a large drink of the coffee and
smiled at the Admiral.
"Your coffee is almost as good as the Colonel's Sir."
Victor complimented.
"Her coffee is so strong the spoon stands up in the
center of it." AJ said.
"Sir, her coffee is the perfect Marine coffee. I
shouldn't expect a Navy man to appreciate it." Gunny
said with a straight face hiding his smirk.
"Careful, Gunny." AJ responded but he was unable to
hide his. They were interrupted by the elevator
opening. "Well I guess the quiet morning is over."
"Apparently Sir." Gunny responded and started to walk
out. At the door he turned back to the Admiral.
"Sir, Mac will be all right. She just needs time to
cope."
"I know, Gunny. We just need to make sure she keeps
believing that."
Part 69
Harm arrived at JAG Headquarters at 0905. He had a
smile as big as the tomcat he used to fly. This
morning had dawned bright and clear and felt like a
new clean beginning. He was determined to court Mac
and move their relationship from friendship to real
love no matter how long it takes. She had been back
to work for a week and although he knew she had rough
spots, he knew she would be okay. Mac was the
strongest person he had ever met. They had the
weekend off and he had a wonderful Saturday night
planned. He had already rented three classic movies
and arranged for a wonderful meal to be catered
complete with sparkling cider and flowers. He wanted
to celebrate her return to work and help her remember
how much he cared about her.
As he entered the bullpen he looked towards Mac's dark
office. Heading towards the Gunny he dropped his
cover and case in his office. "Gunny where is Colonel
Mackenzie?"
"She's not in her office right now, Sir."
"I know that Gunny, but where is she?" Harm asked.
"Sir, the Admiral wants you to join him and the SecNav
in the conference room ASAP." Gunny directed.
"But..."
"He said ASAP Sir that means now. Colonel Mackenzie
should be back shortly." Gunny said and almost pushed
Harm towards the conference room. Harm reluctantly
went as directed.
Part 70
Mac awoke slowly to silence. The room was dark but
she could just make out the small amount of light
peeping through the blinds. Her confusion faded as
she struggled to sit up. The last episode came back
to her as she checked her internal clock. She had
been sleeping for over two hours. Sitting there
quietly in the dark, Mac's first instinct was to rush
off to her office and get to work before everyone
noticed, if they hadn't already. Mac curbed the
impulse and found herself strangely filled with a sad
acceptance to almost a peace. She had broken down in
front of the Admiral and had told him things she had
struggled to hide for the past week including the
recurring episodes and the fear. He had reacted with
support instead of the disappointment she had been so
afraid of facing. He had cradled her and tenderly
covered her with a throw and let her rest.
The sessions with Anne were allowing her to get a
third party impression of what was happening to her.
She could now step back a little and acknowledge that
she had survived and would continue to survive.
Before talking to Anne, Mac had believed that she was
simply lucky that Harm, Webb, and Keeter had made her
survive. Now she could honestly see how much her
determination and fighting spirit were responsible for
it. Between Anne, Webb, AJ, Harm, Keeter, Gunny, Bud,
and Harriet, Mac had a support system that believed in
her and let her know what they thought of her.
Taking a deep breath Mac moved to the window, opened
the blinds, and stared out into a beautiful blue sky.
She took a slow deep breath and let it out with a
smile. "It's going to be fine." She breathed and for
the first time believed her own words. She
straightened her uniform, folded the blanket, and
grabbed a book from the Admiral's bookcase. Flipping
on the overhead light as she went out, Mac moved into
the bullpen with her head held high. She walked
with the confidence of a Marine officer. Gunny
watched Mac move across the bullpen and smiled. She
was back. Maybe not 100% yet but she would be.
Part 71
After his meeting with the Secnav and the Admiral,
Harm headed straight for the courtroom. It wasn't
until noon before he caught up with Mac who was
heading for the Doctors. Harm felt his breath catch
in his chest when she looked at him with a smile that
for the first time since the mission reached her eyes.
"Hey, Marine. How about you come over tomorrow night
around 1200 for dinner and we'll have a dinner and a
movie night?" Harm asked.
"Sounds like fun, Sailor. Any chance there's meat in
this dinner?" Mac teased.
"For you a little since you need the iron." Mac shook
her head at his statement. Harm continued as he
walked her to the elevator. "I'll surprise you."
"You always do, Harm." Mac said softly. "I'll see
you tomorrow night at your place, I'll be the one in
black." She couldn't resist teasing him. Mac felt
alive with the feelings she had suppressed for so
long.
"Black? Leather or lace?" Harm asked and then blushed
as he remembered that they were standing at the
elevators. Looking around quickly, they both sighed
as no one was around.
The elevator's bell chimed as the doors prepared to
open. Mac who knew she wanted the last word leaned in
close to him and whispered. "Both."
AJ stepped out of the elevator to see his two senior
officers staring at each other. Mac wearing what
looked suspiciously like a Cheshire grin and Harm who
looked shocked to his very soul. "Hoo-rah" He
thought to himself. "Colonel, how are you today?"
Mac tore herself away from Harm to focus on the
Admiral. "Much better Sir. And AJ thank you, you were
just what the doctor ordered." She told him before
shocking both men by reaching up and kissing AJ
lightly on the cheek. "Commander, I will see you
tomorrow and Admiral have a lovely weekend.
Gentlemen." She commented and entered the elevator.
AJ and Harm both stood staring at the elevator doors
with a slightly bemused smile. Harriet walked up
behind the two officers and saw only that they both
appeared to be waiting for the elevator but neither
had pushed the button. "Sirs the elevator works much
better if you push the button."
Both men jumped slightly before turning to face her.
"Thanks Harriett." She watched them walk back into
the bullpen shaking her head. "Men."
"Commander, join me in my office." AJ turned to Harm
once they reached their destination. "So Commander
are you finally pulling your head out of your six?"
"If she will let me Sir." Harm replied still smiling
at Mac's parting comment of 'both'.
"Be good to her Harm and I swear if you hurt her I
will kill you." Harm started to smile but then
thought better of it. The Admiral was a SEAL and the
glint in his eye backed up his threat.
"I will be good to her Sir. I love her." Harm
replied simply.
AJ grinned at his officer before sighing. "Well I
guess I better start making calls to see which one of
you gets the best offer. I turn down an offer for Mac
every other week. Let me cast some bait and see what
comes a nibbling."
"Thank you Sir." Harm replied and headed back to his
office.
Part 72
Mac sat impatiently in Dr. Patterson's office waiting
for him to return with her test results. Thinking
back over what she had said to Harm and the Admiral,
she felt that same Cheshire grin spread across her
face. Lost in her own thoughts she failed to hear the
doctor enter the room.
"Now that's a naughty smile if I ever saw one." Dr.
Patterson said as he took a seat across from her.
"Well Mac, you told me you were feeling better but now
I believe it. The level of the drug in your system
has been reduced significantly in the last week. You
don't seem to have as much pain as you were
experiencing before and you appear to be getting more
rest."
"Yes Sir. I am feeling much better and I am starting
to sleep more. To be honest I don't feel ready to be
back at work full time. Part time leaves me
exhausted, so I would like to give my body and spirit
a couple more weeks to reach that level." Mac said
with difficulty. She knew it was the truth but it
still burned her up that she could not do her job
fully.
"Well Mac for the first time I think you are being
honest with yourself and me. You will get back to
your former levels. It will just take time and
patience." Dr Patterson agreed. "How much of the pain
medication and sleeping aids are you taking?"
"None." Mac replied. "The pain is manageable and the
sleeping pills mess with my head."
"Okay. Take the sleeping pill once this weekend and
get some good deep sleep." Dr. Patterson said. "What
about the episodes and hand tremors?"
"The episodes are still occurring but they are quicker
and milder. The shaking in my right hand still
happens pretty often, usually when I'm tired or
stressed." Mac explained. "I had one episode this
morning."
"At work?" At her nod, he continued. "What happened
after it?"
"I pretty much collapsed and the Admiral let me sleep
on his couch for a couple hours. When I woke up I
felt much better." Mac explained.
"Sounds good. Mac I know this is not easy but it will
get better."
"I know. It has already improved so much. Its only a
matter of time till it gets completely better." Mac
explained. "Doctor, after you have reviewed my file,
is there any reason to worry or refrain from physical
intimacy?"
"No Mac you can hug, kiss, even have sex if you feel
emotionally ready. I don't feel that it would trigger
the episode. I can't guarantee that it won't though."
Dr. Patterson explained. "I know they discontinued
your birth control pills during your hospital stay and
right now I don't feel comfortable putting you on them
with flashfire still in your system. We don't know
what the reaction might be. Also you should use birth
control of some kind until this drug leaves your
system. We have no idea what it could do to a fetus."
"Understood doctor." She said softly.
"Well Mac you can go. Stop at the receptionist desk
and have her give you an appointment for next Friday
same time."
"Thanks Doctor." Mac said and left the office.
Doctor Patterson pulled his tape recorder out of his
white coat and pushed record. "Patient #7502375
Mackenzie, Sarah is making good progress towards
recovery. Patient seems to have come to grips with
her current limitations and is striving to
conservatively improve them. At this stage in
treatment I see patient back to full-time duty within
three months barring unforeseen complications.
Patient's mental status is much improved as well.
Note to self: Call Doctor Anne Hamilton to discuss.
End Patient #7502375."
Part 73
Saturday morning dawned bright cool and clear. Mac
walked through the park near her apartment loving the
feel of the sun gently caresses her skin. Jingo
walked beside her, glad to have his master back.
Seeing the flowers just starting to break through the
hard earth, Mac felt the thrill of spring infecting
her.
Her life was slowly coming back on track and tonight
was going to be a major step up. She was having
dinner with Harm tonight and she was also going to
tell him that she was in love with him. Mac's
heartbeat raced as she thought of his reaction. Would
he run scared from the thought of a relationship?
Does he love her? What would she do if he didn't
return her feelings? A few deep breaths later she
smiled and knew that she would be fine. Disappointed
but she would survive. She had a great career,
wonderful friends, and a positive future.
"Come on Jingo, let's go home." Mac said before
heading back towards her apartment. "I need to go buy
a new outfit and a couple presents." She laughed
softly as they walked on.
Harm was up at the crack of dawn planning for Saturday
night. He wanted everything to be perfect. Mac had
been through so much and he didn't want to pressure
her but at the same time he couldn't wait any longer
to tell her how he felt. Would she run scared from
the thought of a relationship? Does she love him?
What would he do if she didn't return his feelings?
"Stop it Rabb. You will find out when she tells you."
He whispered to himself. He already had dinner
ordered, flowers scheduled for delivery and his
cleaning lady coming. Now all he had to do was go
shopping. He needed to pick up Mac's gift.
Mac decided to stop by the Admiral's house before
heading for the mall. Pulling into his driveway she
hesitated before pulling her self together,
straightening her spine and heading to his door. She
knocked firmly and waited.
AJ hearing the sound of the knock, glanced out the
window in the den and to his surprise saw Mac's
vehicle parked outside. Worried, he headed for the
door. His worry increased seeing Mac nervously
standing on his doorstep. "Mac, come in."
Mac let herself be ushered into his living room.
Declining his offer of coffee, Mac sat tensely on the
edge of the couch. "AJ. I am going to do something
tonight and I need to tell you about it, just in case
it works out the way I hope it does." She ground to a
halt.
Seeing her fear, AJ reached over and patted her hand
gently. "Go on Mac."
Taking a deep breath she let it out in a rush. "I'm
having dinner with Harm tonight and I am going to tell
him that I love him and that I want to spent the rest
of my life loving him." Nervously she looked up at AJ
trying to gauge his reaction.
Trying not to laugh out loud, AJ looked at her sternly
before breaking down and smiling at her. "Mac, I
think that is wonderful. I've known for a long time
how you both have felt about each other. I'm just
glad you're ready to admit it."
Mac's relief was obvious. "You don't think I'm crazy.
Do you really think Harm loves me too?" Mac asked
softly.
"Mac, he's loved you for a long time, just like you've
loved him. Keep up that Marine courage and storm that
Sailor's beaches." AJ ordered firmly.
Mac's laughter was infectious and before they knew it
they were both laughing loudly. "Storm that Sailor's
beaches?" Mac quoted while she gasped for breath.
"Watch it Mac. Don't laugh at your commanding
officer." He warned while also trying to get his
breath back.
"Sir, what about JAG? If he surrenders would you be
willing to help me find another position or would I
have to resign my commission due to the aftereffects
of the last mission?" Mac asked again with a little
fear in her eyes.
"Don't worry about that Mac. When you need it, I will
find something for you. Never doubt that Mac. Webb
once told me that if you and Harm ever decided to pull
your head out of the sand, he would have a position
for you." AJ replied. "Now go get ready to wow a
certain Sailor.
"Thank you AJ for everything. You are a great
friend." Mac said and headed for the door.
Hesitating there she turned and hugged him tightly and
whispered. "Thanks for everything AJ."
AJ blinked back a tear as she quickly released him and
headed outside. Catching his breath he yelled after
her. "Remember Mac, he loves you."
She smiled back at him brilliantly and climbed into
her car.
Part 74
Mac moved through the mall quickly. She had found the
perfect gift and it should be ready in about an hour,
now to find the perfect dress. She entered her
favorite boutique and smiled at the clerk on the phone
at the counter. The clerk smiled back seeing one of
her best customers. Mac moved through the store
quickly dismissing dress after dress. Nothing was
exactly what she wanted.
Sandra rushed her conversation and quickly headed
towards her customer. "Mac it has been too long."
She hugged Mac lightly. Mac smiled and hugged her
back.
"Sandra, I'm looking for a perfect dress. I need to
Wow a certain sailor." Mac said as she smiled.
Sandra thought for a minute before replying. "I just
got in my new collection. Let me glance through it
for you and see if anything fits your needs."
Mac watched her head to the backroom. She moved
through the shop and picked out a few casual pieces
before ending up at the counter. Staring in the glass
case filled with jewelry, Mac's eyes were immediately
caught by a beautiful broach made of Austrian crystals
in the shape of a Celtic knot. Seeing Sandra exit the
backroom, Mac walked to meet her.
"I brought out two but I think you will like the black
one the best. Let's go back to the dressing room."
Sandra informed her.
"Great, let's go." A few minutes later Mac slipped on
the red dress she was handed. It was crushed red
velvet and hugged her like a second skin. It was
vibrant, beautiful and sexy but it wasn't exactly what
she wanted. Slipping it off she reached for the black
one. At first look the dress did not look like much,
but it was very deceptive. It was also crushed
velvet, however this one was a wrap around style that
dipped low into her cleavage while still appearing
very classy. A black glittery pin rested on her right
hip where the left side of the dress met her right
hip. Mac decided that this was perfect. Beautiful,
classy and just a little sexy. "Sandra, I'll take it
and I need a pair of thigh high black sheer stockings
and new lingerie."
"Certainly." Sandra replied smiling at the beautiful
picture Mac made. Collecting the items requested
along with a beautiful pair of supple black leather
heels with a touch of shine, Sandra met Mac at the
register.
"Oh Sandra those shoes are perfect. Here add the red
dress to my purchase. Also let me see the broach in
the corner." Mac requested as she dug out her
checkbook. Looking at the broach up close, she knew
that she wasn't going to be able to leave it here.
She quickly added it to her purchases and checked her
internal clock. She had two hours left to pay for her
purchases, pick up Harm's present, change and get to
Harm's. Handing her the check, Mac picked up her bags
and smiled at Sandra. "Thanks for your help. Wish me
luck."
"I don't think you will need it with the way you look
in that dress. But good luck anyway!" Sandra called
out laughing.
"Thanks again." Mac called as she reentered the mall.
Mac moved through the mall torn between excitement
and nervousness. Tonight was the night that would
decide her future.
Part 75Harm took one last look around the apartment makingsure everything was perfect before heading for thebedroom. Picking up a small gift wrapped box, Harmsighed and started talking to himself. ‘Okay do notscare her or overwhelm her. Take it slow and justtell her how much you care for her.” He smiled againthinking of his beautiful stubborn partner. Shecontinued to amaze him. Looking at the clock hequickly moved to the bathroom before setting out hisdress whites. He unconsciously whistled softly thetheme of the Marines.Mac glanced once more in the mirror, staring nervouslyat her reflection. “Suck it up Marine, you can dothis.” A small voice from her past tormented her,“you’re worthless Sarah. You’re unloveable!” “Shutup! You are nothing. Harm cares for me and he is mybest friend. I will not listen to you anymore.” Macsmiled at her image. “It’s going to be fine no matterwhat.”Giving herself one more glance she took another deepbreath and slipped on her long wool dress coat againstthe snow blowing outside. “Goodnight Jingo. I’ll seeyou in the morning. Don’t wait up.” Mac giggled asshe closed and locked the door behind her. Mac feltlike the weight that had been pressing her down sincethe mission was almost completed gone. She feltflushed with anticipation and happiness.Harm glanced at the clock as he fastened the lastbutton on his dress whites. Thirty minutes and shewill be here. A knock sounded at the door, moving toanswer it, Harm was glad to see the caterer standingthere with his hands full. “Come in, come in.” Harmsaid excitedly. The caterer just smiled at theanxious man standing before him.“The kitchen?”“Oh I’m sorry Jamie, right this way.” Harm said andalmost ran to the kitchen. After showing him whereeverything was located, Harm moved through theapartment straightening and fiddling with anything andeverything he touched.Mac pulled up outside Harm’s building and glanced upat his window. ‘Sarah Mackenzie this is the first dayof your future.” Mac said to herself and exited hercar. Reaching Harm’s door, she hesitated slightlybefore knocking softly on his door exactly on time.She smiled as her sailor opened his door lookingsmashing in his dress uniform.“Mac, come in.” Harm said and helped her off with hercoat. He felt his mouth go dry as she turned to facehim. She was simply stunning. Dressed in blackvelvet that clung to her seductively while stilllooking classically beautiful. She wore a sparklingclip at her right hip and a small matching clip in herhair. “You look wonderful, Mac.”“Thank you. You look pretty handsome yourself.” Shesaid staring into his face feeling flushed by hiscompliment.“Come sit down. I’ll see if dinner is ready.” Harmsaid although he was very reluctant to let her out ofhis sight. He watched her walk to the table and smellthe dozen white roses sitting on the table in acrystal vase. Harm came back into the dining roomcarrying two wine glasses and a bottle of sparklingwater.“Harm they are lovely. I love white roses.” Maccomplimented.“I remembered.” Harm said as Mac stared at him. “Youmentioned it once on an assignment that men alwaysgave red roses when all you wanted was somethingdifferent like the simple beauty of white roses.”“You remembered?” She asked rhetorically. “Thankyou.” They stared at each other with obvious love.Their concentration was broken by the entrance ofJamie carrying in the salads.“Harm you hired a caterer?”“Only the best for you.” Harm replied and escortedher to a chair at the table. They ate dinner slowlylaughing over past adventures. They both seemed inawe that they were really together having a romanticdinner. They laughed and talked for hours with onlythe occasional entrances and exits of Jamie causingslight distractions. He watched them and knew whatthey shared was true love. He quickly served dessert,washed up the other dishes and let himself out.“Mac let’s move this to the couch.” Harm said.“All right.” Mac replied and they moved to the couchwith Harm making a detour to the bedroom. Mac quicklyretrieved Harm’s present from her purse and hid itbeside her.Harm came out and sat on the coffee table with theirknees touching. “Sarah.” Mac shivered lightly at theuse of her given name. “Sarah, I need to tell yousomething and I want you to tell me if its too soon.”Mac felt tears fill her eyes when she saw the lovereflected in his eyes. “Go ahead.” She whispered.Harm hoped that the look in her eyes was real. “MacI’m not sure when it happened or even how it happenedbut somewhere is the middle of all this I fell in lovewith you. I’m saying I love you.”Mac’s tears spilled over and she whispered. “Oh Harm Ilove you too. I have for a very long time. Somewherealong the way you flew off with my heart. I havesomething for you.” Mac pulled out a small giftwrapped box and slowly opened it. Nestled insiderested a crystal heart with wings. “You flew awaywith my heart and I never want you to forget how muchI love you.”Harm leaned in and kissed her softly and cried his owntears of joy. “Oh Mac you constantly amaze me. It’sbeautiful. Now it’s my turn. Mac you came into mylife like gangbusters. A strong willed Marinedetermined to be her best and never feeling like youdeserve it. You have fought through so many obstaclesin your life and you continue to thrive. You inspireme to be a better man.” Harm said as he stroked hercheek. “You are so strong that when I saw this itmade me think of you.” He opened the box to reveal asparkling diamond bracelet with a square cut emeraldin the center.“Oh Harm. It’s beautiful.” Mac breathed and unableto stop herself reached out and tentatively touchedit. “It’s too much.”“No Mac. I love you and I would have bought you anengagement ring but I want you to have mygrandmother’s if you will agree to marry me.” Harmrushed out. “There is no pressure, Mac. We can datefor as long as you like but I want you to know that Ilove you and want to marry you. I want to havechildren with you and grow old with you by my side”“Harm you need to know that I may never be completelyback to the way I was and the doctor isn’t sure howlong this drug will linger and as long as it does Ican’t carry a child. My episodes and tremors aregetting better but they may never go away. What if Ican never give you children? Can you live with that?”Mac asked desperately.“Mac, I won’t lie. I want to have children with you.I want to see your beautiful brown eyes staring at mefrom our daughter. Or see that Mackenzie kick-assspirit shining out from our son.” Harm repliedgrasping her hand tenderly and slipped the bracelet onher wrist. “If we cannot have our own we will adoptthem. We’ll go outside the country if we have too. Ilove you and I want a life with you.”“I love you too, Harm. Yes, I’ll marry you.” Shesaid and threw her arms around his neck andpassionately kissed him. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” The kissdeepened and they felt their passion ignite.“Mac is it okay?” Harm asked slightly desperately asshe unbuttoned his dress whites.“Yes, we just need to go easy.” Mac breathed feelingher pulse quicken as he gently caressed her throughher dress. Harm gently picked her up and walked tothe bedroom.After their passion was sated, Harm looked down at Macand said huskily. “I saw the black lace where was theleather?”“My shoes were black and leather.” She said andlaughed softly. “You were amazingly gentle. Thankyou.”“No thank you for loving me and letting me love you.”Harm said and kissed her feeling his passion stir oncemore. This time they made love tenderly andthoroughly.An hour later Mac lay resting in his arms. Feelinghis heart beat under her ear Mac knew that she hadfinally come home and her nightmare was over. THE END